tw: this poem is about depression, addictions, eating disorders, and anxiety

I just want to feel something
to remember what happiness feel like

its been 7 years since we were first introduced
its been 2,555 days that i've gotten to know you
but even then
you remain a mystery

and over the years
i've spent so many nights creating water falls of tears
and seeing nothing in the mirror
but an empty soul

and it never stops hurting

the good days feel like warnings
bad days are normalized

drugs are suddenly more of a necessity
than food and water
having smoke in my lungs
is more refreshing than oxygen
no matter how heavy they feel
i cant stop

the nights curled in the corner of my room
silently screaming into the void
crying out to those who do not care

relationship after relationship ending because they got tired of dealing with us
no matter how much I gave up for them
you always ruined it

you made me into bones and sorrow
a smile never quite full
and gave me a future that went bleak

my mind is everywhere at once
yet nothing feels real
like i'm in someone else's body
people seem like dolls

and the panic- the dreaded shaking,and yanking of my hair- it's the worst possible pain
to be wrathing in my bed from how much it hurts
and I know you hear my pleads to leave me alone
but you stay and whisper my nightmares in my ear

I just want to be normal
to be loved and free
to have a future and truly live
but you take it away everytime I see it too clearly

dear depression,
I am begging you, take you and your friends with you
I have years worth of scars from the last time they visited
just let me be me.


TO ANYONE DEALING WITH THESE: remember you are loved, you are brilliant and beautiful, and your mental health does not lessen any of those. It's so hard and heartbreaking to be fighting yourself. but you're stronger than you may believe. if anyone needs someone to talk to, I'd be more than willing to listen. stay safe lovlies <3