To help you healing if you went through this ↑

Hi loves! ☼ I hope you're doing fine and you had a good beginning of this week. I'm just leaving a toxic person and I wish I had known he was kinda malignant narcissist before being heartbroken (but don't worry sweeties, I'm fine, I worked really hard to heal! I'm just a little bit upset rn). So, I wanted to share these signs I noticed to help you recognize a toxic person.

Because mine was a boy, and it was about a love interest, I'm going to speak from this assumption. But don't forget a girl, and even your close friends or your family can be toxic to you, you don't have to feel ashamed to think about this! Always trust your gut.

1. SILENCE TREATMENT

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It's mostly when you're speaking seriously about commitment, his mistakes or your feelings; but it can also be anywhere at anytime.
Social medias. What a great technology. And if you're a toxic person, it's a real playground! If he ghosts you for no reason or after a risky conversation, and several times, you better watch if you want to continue the connection or not. And at the beginning, you'll stay, because you know how much he's afraid about feelings and love. And that's why...

2. SELF-VICTIMIZATION AND SELF-SABOTAGING

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He acts like a wounded animal or a cursed human. Everything is always his fault, every part of his life is so doomed and darned.
He has maybe told you about his story and his past relationships. It's always sad, sneaky, and he confesses to you some of his ex-girlfriends manipulated his feelings. He repeats that love isn't for him, he's unworthy of you, and put you on a pedestal. He says things like Every choice I make is always wrong...

3. WORDS, BUT NO ACTS

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Oh yes, he's always so sorry to be who he is. Even if he acknowledges all his choices are not the right ones, he'll never try to improve the situation.
He's always sorry and always regretting what he did or didn't do. But he will never invite you on a new date after cancelling one; or never start back with you even if he says how much he misses you. He is a very good smooth talker, he's able to write you long and long messages about how he feels about you two, but it will always end because of his self-victimization (No, no, it's better like this, you don't deserve me) or his silence treatment.

4. "YOLO" COMEBACKS

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Sometimes, he disappears out of your life (from one week to couple of months). It's often after a silence treatment or a goodbye between you two. But guess who's coming back as though nothing had happened?
It's a harsh moment, mostly for you, when he ghosts you or leaves you. You fight against dark demons, you spend sleepless nights thinking about him, you're convinced you could have done better to keep him. And then, he comes back. No big apologies, no I miss you... He'll just act as usual: responding to your Instagram stories, sharing you a meme, checking on you. At the beginning, you'll fall again in his web, because you're attached to him very hard.

5. CODEPENDENCY: YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH HIM

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You can't stop thinking about him, writing about him, speaking about him. You begin to feel so attached to him that if he leaves you, you have no idea how you would continue to live. Your life is summed up by one single word : his name.
Confusing love and codependency is a rough thing everybody went/go/will go through. And with him, it's clearly codependency, a.k.a. an unhealthy link between you and this person. That's why you won't react when he comes back after three months of silence. It's not because you love him – love isn't like this. It's because he is a Horcrux to you; you don't live by yourself but by his.

I just wanted to remind you that you are not his prisoner. Without you, it's him who's feeling bad. It's the slave paradox introduced by Epictetus in philosophy: at the beginning, the one who's obedient to the orders of the master is the slave, because he has to do everything the other wants and can't escape. But with time, the master becomes the slave, because without his jack of all trades, he can't do anything, he's used to have someone to please his desires.

If you want to know what is real love, please check Buddha's thoughts; The Prophet by Khalil Gibran; or 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in your Bible.

Be brave (because you are!), I'm with you if you're going through this. I love you. Don't give up. ♥ Have a nice day!

xoxo from France