I never count my steps or my days. But I used to count the hours of difference between my city and yours. I talk about you to the things that have no idea of what I’m venting. To the mirror when I’m alone, to the closet in my room before I sleep and some nights to the sky when a star only cares to show up. I think of you when the leaves whisper so loud that I couldn’t even hear my thoughts and clouds circling around the mountains at 5am. Whatever don’t buy them, they all are excuses because I could think of you whenever I want.

Today I walked slowly to my dorm. Actually it’s funny because that man in front of me stank so I needed to take a space. I hung my head down and watched my steps moving forward on the right squares. So many people walked passed me and none of them smelled like you. But then I remembered I never knew how you smell and never had the chance to be in your arms.

I wasn’t there when you tried to write a phrase in the snow and feel the cold from your bones for the first time but I can say that you were so excited and how beautiful would you be. The question is if you meet me again would your smile be any wider and thrilled like I’m the first snowflakes you’ve seen.

I remember that Saturday last 4 years ago. It was the first and last Valentine that I could see you so far. You wore this blue shirt and I can’t remember what I did. It was the service at church so everything was about love. I saw the posters written by thick pens and drawn by crayons. There were air balloons touched to the ceiling and the air condition was cold. Before me and my friend went back home early, they gave a chance to let us write something to hang on the tree. Yes on the tree. Maybe valentine tree? I guess. And the next late evening, I saw that quote I made up on the back of dusty car. I asked my friend who was sitting near the car and she replied that one’s from internet. It was “please don’t forget me when you’re away”. Yes she lied and yes I knew you won’t be here anymore.

You’re not breaking my heart and you’re not giving me purpose either. We were never involved each other and we were never bumped into. You’re not my current partner or you’re not my soul mate too. You’re not my favourite person but I don’t think I could ever like someone more than you. It’s really really hard to define the position of you for me, in me. You’re my heart holder who will always drive me forward to write books about you and spreading your cells and invading inside of me day by day. Everytime I try to get over you or go with the flow to move on; the universe says ‘NO’. I mean there aren’t tall signboards on my way but the faint signs are the message that the universe wants me to be miserable again and again. Because you know it when you know it. You see it when you see it. that’s why I feel about you the same way like I did when I was 13 yo kid.