Dear me,

You're incredibly insecure. About everything actually. Your looks, your personality and the way you do things. Trust me, no one thinks or notices that you don't do things perfectly, yet you still panick about it. You think way too much, especially about the wrong things.
- ''What if it looks stupid?''
- ''If they come pick me up with the car, how do I manage to get in without looking like a fool?''
- ''What if they take my silence for rudeness?''
- ''What if they're going to talk about me behind my back?''
-''What would my life have looked like if I did take that one step that I wasn't brave enough to take a year ago?''
- ''What if they will misunderstand me again?''
- ''What if I don't know what to say anymore to keep the conversation going?''

And the list goes on and on and on.

Your fear for everything stops you from doing the most normal things. You always tell everyone you love watching movies at home and chill with your parents but in reality you feel like you don't have another choice because everything else in the outside world scares you. Don't get me wrong, sometimes you do want to go to that party on Friday night but you just simply can't. You know why? Because of that ghost.
That anxiety ghost that is telling you not to go.
That anxiety ghost that is reminding you of everything that could go wrong.
There are so many things and people at parties. Things and people you think you're not good enough for.

You also always try to blame yourself but at the same time you think you're selfish. For example: your study.
You're going to quit because you can't handle the stress and anxiety. You are statisfied with you putting aside some time to fix youself but at the same time you think: "I've only been here for like two and a half months, you didn't even try. You wasted a spot that could have gone to someone who deserves it, someone who would be able to handle the things that you couldn't.''
Most of the time you feel weak that you're going to quit and you don't uderstand all of the supporting and heartwarming compliments from your classmates who tell you they think you're brave for choosing for yourself to get better.
''How? Why? How can you possibly think I'm brave for quitting after two and a half months?'' you think.

Communicating with people is something you're the worst at. Or at least, that's what you tell yourself. You are loved. You are liked by people. Yes, even in the romantic way.

For the longest time you blamed life itself that nobody showed any interests in you in a romantic way but after a while you realized that it wasn't life nor the people around you that were the problem, but you. You have the habbit of immediately pushing away the people who approach you in a romantic way because you're insanely scared. So scared, that you automatically aren't open to try.
And why are you scared? Because you think you won't be good enough. Afraid that you'll disappoint them, because maybe after all you're not the person they thought you were or expected you to be. Or that after all you do not meet their requirements as a partner and won't be able to satisfy them. Afraid that you won't be able to satisfy them mentally and physically.

Negative thoughts is also something that rules your mindset. You find it hard to look at things from the positive side. You always immediately think about what could possibly go wrong.

You don't only see the negative side in your own daily life but in society in general. It is much easier for you to think about all of the horrible stuff that's happening in the world rather than how beautiful the world can be.

Sometimes you go as far as thinking about what you exactly add to society that makes it so important for you to stay. ''What difference do I make? I don't do much that makes the world a better place.'' you think. Whenever you go this far you awaken extremely negative thoughts which isn't very helpful for your current state.

Well, I guess this is where the letter ends.

Last note to myself: I hope you'll learn from your insecurities and eventually be able to beat your anxiety. Try to not think so much. Try to live in the present and not in the future. Who cares what tomorrow brings? We don't even know if there even is a tomorrow and that's an another reason why you should live your life to the fullest in this exact moment.

Love, Me.