Dear 2018,
Let’s be honest here, it hasn’t been my most amazing year. But it’s okay, I hold no grudges. No hard feelings between us.
2018, you haven’t been the easiest, but you’ve been a good teacher.
I started the year with my sister, on our first new year eve by ourselves. Already, you were bittersweet, cause

.1. My family was in a bad place.

.2. We didn’t have the party we imagined in the first place

But hey, cause I’m a good student, and you are the hell of a teacher, I learned two lessons from it :
.*1. Life can go a thousand directions, and there’s not much I can do about it.*

_It isn’t my responsibility to fix my family’s issues. Most of it is out of my hands. _

.*2. The only thing I can REALLY do and work on, is my perspective on the shit that happens.*
Illustration : The party was…not good. And we waited far too long on the line. But at least we looked bomb and we were together. And we had some fun. And danced to Beyonce. And drank a little bit of champagne. And overall, I still had a good time. So, I don’t regret it.
And I think those two lessons followed me all year long, like puppies : sometimes really quiet and cuddly, over times biting me in the ass.
I felt bad to not be with the rest of the family for the holidays, but at that time, it seemed more important to be with my sister, cause she needed it. And I’m glad I was here with her.
The second semester of my 4th year in law school was good. It was hard, and I was tired most of the time. But I don”t think I hold any bitterness about it. I did pretty well on my exams and ended the year as the second best student of my class. I’m proud of myself for that.
It was a busy few months cause I also worked on my clerk exams, and guess what?? I passed it. Kind of. It’s something I’ll come back to later on. Cause got I am bitter about THAT.

I’m happy cause I got to know people better, especially Marine and Audrey, who have been really good friends. I also talked a lot more in public, and I think I’m getting better at it. Or at least I feel better about it. I’m proud of myself for that too
Okay, let’s get to the “not so fun” part.
I applied to a lot of M2 and failed. I passed my exams but ended up on the waiting list, and well the feeling suck. It feels like my biggest efforts were useless. But that’s where my 2 big lessons came back :

.1. Some things are OUT OF MY HANDS. Especially on a national exam, there was a big chance a lot of people will do better on the exams than me. Maybe I could have worked a little more, but let’s be real, with the M1, the things happening at home, the moving into a new apartment, I did the best I could, and I cannot keep beating myself up because the outcome wasn’t exactly as I planned.

.2. I have to change my perspective on things, and how I deal with disappointment. I cannot beat myself up, and I cannot blame the world. It’s not about finding excuses, and it’s not about being bitter for the rest of my life. It is not fair for me to release my frustration on the people I love, and especially not my mom. I must not hurt people while I am hurt. It is not me. It is not the woman I want to be. I can do better.

I believe there is a reason for everything. So there was a reason for me to stay home a little longer and be on that freaking waiting list. I’m not sure I figured it out yet.
Maybe, it was to teach me patience. And self love. And tough love.

About patience. I can’t expect everything I want to happen exactly when I wanted. Good things take time, and if that job is so good for me, it will come sooner or later. And if it is “later” I have to learn to accept it gracefully.

About self-love. I have to love myself, even in my mess, even in my failures. I can’t be the first at everything all the time, and even if I was and things didn’t work out, I have to love myself. I wouldn’t turn my back on my best friend cause she failed, so I cannot turn my back to myself. I deserve better. Now, it this difficult transition time, I have to be my own best friend : give myself space to cry and scream, hug myself to sleep if necessary, and motivate me. I have to believe in me more than ever. Comfort myself. Love the hell out of myself. NOW. NOW. Cause I need it more than ever.

About tough love. I have to love life. Even when she is not the nicest. Even when she bites me. Even when it’s dark. I have to keep a positive mindset. Life is messy. I’m messy. I love that about myself. I must accept it from life too. She’s unpredictable, and I don’t necessarily enjoy it, but I must learn to love it. If I’m honest, she loves me back most of the time. I am a female, bisexual, physically disabled young woman, and I have to say, I have a pretty decent life : I can go to school, I can have the job I want, I have friends, a family that loves me (although I haven’t come out to them yet and I’m scared), I live on a beautiful island where the sun shines most of the year. I have food on my table. A bed to sleep in. I’m overall healthy. I’m lucky. Life loves me. I must love her right back. Even when it’s tough sometimes.

Oh, I forgot to mention, but I spent some really good times too.
I think I grow closer to my big sisters. I understand them a little better than I used too. I think I’m doing a better job at showing my siblings (sisters + brother) that I love them. I still need to work on showing them support and love, but I think I’m getting better at it. I had fun with them too. We can laugh about the same things now. I try to listen to them more.

I spend some really good times with my mom too. Damn my MOM, what a WOMAN. She drives me crazy okay? I can pick a 1000 little things she does on a daily baisis that drive me nuts but hey…*She’s my best partner*. I have been tough on her this year, I admit. I’m not proud of myself. But I apologized about it not long ago, and I’m trying to be better to her. Cause she deserves so much love and respect. So hey, again, I’m learning.
I’m really proud that I got to take her to my favorite city in the world : LONDON. It wasn’t a long trip, and there is some things I wished we could have done, but she’s happy about our trip, and I’m happy too. It was her first time in Great Britain, and I’m glad I could guide her through the city and have fun with her. It was some of the best times of my life.

I also got to climb on the top of the Eiffel Tower and do a cruise on the Seine and it sounds cliché but it is true : IT WAS SO FREAKING DREAMY

I’m happy I gave myself more time to write and create and imagine, and work on my characters. I haven’t finished writing a book yet, but I enjoy the process.
I have seen some cool movies and tv series too….And I LOVE movies and tv series. It’s silly but it makes me happy.

So to sump it up : 2018 You taught me love, and patience. You made me cried. But you made me stronger too. And I grew a thankful heart

And to quote a famous singer (cause yeah, I learned to love Ariana Grande too)

Thank u, next