lmao was meant to do this one like 2 days ago

10. Discuss your first love

well... every first love to everybody is memorable.

it started off as a comfortable friendship into a major crush. the day i saw him, he seemed approachable, but me being a big talker and no action, i was afraid to make a shitty first impression; so i made my best friend go up and speak to him. the day then came to when i should speak to him, you know what the first ever interaction i had with him was?

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i tugged his shirt from behind him and said "Do you have gum?" this was his literal reaction, like yes im talking to you.

after that we started talking like slightly not too much. i then found out he lived not too far from school, so that was great bc i lived close from school too lol.
the next thing what happened was really funny i must say. so it was during our sport time and he was down at the basketball courts and i was upstairs, i leaned over the balcony and literally yelled over and said to him,

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"ARE YOU WALKING HOME AFTERSCHOOL!?" i probably look psychotic like this reaction meme.

i went over to his place afterschool with my friend bc i was too pussy to go by myself. this happened a few times when i was finally brave enough to have him to myself.
i then started getting into the habit of going to his house every single afternoon.. i never realised how fucking annoying that would've been for him and his family.. but i was an idiot so.
a few weeks later, after getting super close with him, i felt the need to tell him how i felt. at that moment confessing to him, i was about to just bolt out of the world because i was so incredibly nervous. he replied saying how he felt, saying how i am the first girl to ever speak to him, he then told me he liked me too..

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the next school days were strange, i mean we spoke so much on text and never said anything in person. i dont know i think its just the both of us were super nervous to say anything or do anything. the only good thing was we went out alot together, people suspected we were dating because we were together all the time.

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a few weeks after we began to be in the "tuning" arena. but we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend.. but it was alright i guess.
he then said he needed to go back to his home country.. meaning he might not even come back ever.

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literally my reaction

i begged for him to stay, but not to beggy.
when every day would pass, i would try to make everyday count. hoping i could spend the last few days with him. but i still had the christmas holidays coming up, knowing i wouldn't be seeing him during those days..
when the holidays started, i knew that the last day of school was the last time seeing him, that day it started raining coincidentally when i left his house, i guess mother nature knew how i was feeling internally.

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the holidays went through quickly.. i barely saw him until his last day in this country.. that day was a shocker from go to woe, i had a literal anxiety attack.. i didn't show it because i didn't want to act like a psycho bitch but i was so sick that day, we could've done so much that day, but no we were doing nothing the whole time.. the last 2 hours with him was me contemplating if i should throw up in the pot plant beside me or just go home fucking depressed.
our goodbye to eachother was so awkward, i hated it.. that day was probably the only day i wish i could've changed out of every other shitty days i've had..

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i feel that i did love him, but i love him more now than i did when i was with him. maybe its because i haven't seen him in so long and i've been having regrets about how i acted in front of him before..
i never thought what i was doing at the time. i wasn't myself. i felt that if i could act like someone else, then he would like me. i don't believe he liked me, i felt he said that to not throw me under the bus in a way.

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but he was the first guy i've ever fallen in love with, the only guy i wouldn't forget in a million years, a guy who has made me more smart about what i do, how to act in front of guys, and how it made me feel that not all guys are jerks.

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i believe were not gonna be seeing eachother in a while.. we both have school and we need to move on, hes moved on and i have moved on. but the term, "moving on" is hard, its easy being said than done. i've moved on but i haven't, i still think about him every single day. i still remember the days and nights i cried over on how i missed him so much, and how i should've done this or i should've done that.
but i am lucky to ever come across this guy, he really has changed my life.

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