Trigger warning!!!!

Yesterday I let the number on the scale trigger me. I gained a whole kilo... And the night before I went to bed feeling hungry, and I made brownies that day because my boyfriend wanted something sweet. So I binged.

And then I had to get rid of it... So I puked.

And I puked and I cried.

Now I feel like such a massive failure. I hate this. I hate the fact that I still doubt that I will ever love my body, that I would ever love myself. Because I can't remember the last time I did so.

What came to me was this memory from when i was 10 years old or something like that. I was overweight and my legs were starting to get this x shape because of my excess weight, so my parents took me to a nutritionist so she would help me lose some of it. And every month I would come into her office and she would weigh me and depending on my progress she would change my diet plan. I remember clearly being so afraid of that scale, and every other scale for that mather. I was so afraid that i would disapoint my parents if I haden't lost enough weight, and that hapened a couple of times. I wasn't true to my diet plan because I was a kid and guess fucking what I liked sweets and I liked my grandmother's cooking even tough it was unhealthy and fattening. I hated just seeing a scale let alone stepping on one. I hated that my father made do it every time there was one around. I hated that he being proud of me depended on my weight. I still hate the fact that the only time I felt he was proud of was when I lost all this weight. I'm so afraid that If I gain weight I will lose that.

I want my father to always be proud of me. I want my mother not to feel like a failure. I don't know how to tell them I'm sick. i don't know how to tell them I'm in pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to sruggle with this anymore. I just want to be normal. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to love myself but I don't know how.