"let me tell you something. there will come a day when you wake up and he is not the first thing on your mind. you're not going to think of his name, of his gorgeous brown eyes, his hair, his ever-sparkling smile. you're not going to think of him at all.

"instead you're going to wake up to the view of new york city where you've always wanted to be. you're gonna get dressed in your fancy office attire as you go to work at that popular publishing company in the heart of the city. you're gonna have a stable job, a satisfying group of friends. you're going to party on friday nights like you're still 18, and try new drinks as if you just turned 19. you're going to be 25, happy, healthy and full of life.

"but then you come home and see a letter dropped in your mail slot at your fancy condo. you're going to read the name of the sender and your heart will stop. because on it is his name. and you will find out the letter is a wedding invitation, his name written in engraved writing with another girl's name written under it that should've been your name. and your heart will pound, your hands will get clammy, your legs will be shaking. all because you know you could've done something about this.

"you will think about all the time you spent in high school spending saturday nights with his sister listening to pointless songs about dreams and life and the lost and the found. you will remember the sunday night he came to your house to help you with freshman math that you thought was going to be the death of you. you will think about the car rides on the way to the movies and the ones after bowling. and you will feel the abundance of regret, knowing you could've said the words to him in any of what you once thought were those infinite moments.

"but you didn't. and now you wonder if you'll even go to the wedding. if you're going to stop them when they say 'speak now.' if you'll have the courage at all.

"so let me tell you something. don't make the same mistakes i did. let my story stop you from wondering about the 'what if' moments of this beautiful, messy life."

//excerpt from a book i'll never write//
d.m. 01/30/17