The day we met.
I remember it like it was yesterday but, it was 9 years ago, almost 10.
I was 6 and you were 8, I adored you. I thought you were so adorable and nice and kind, which you were. but I didn't know that years later you'd ruin me.
we were the kind of friendship that everyone wanted, I loved you, even before I was IN love with you. I loved annoying you and laughing with you over everything, you made me so happy. I don't think I had ever been that happy. when I was 8 and you were 10, you moved to California. I hated losing you. skyping was enough to get me by, you came to visit all summer one time, that summer was amazing. we spent the 4th of July together, we lit the sparklers like you lit up my heart and then stomped on it when the flame got to close to you. I adored you with every atom in my body, even if you didn't feel the same. when i was 10 and you were 12, I decided to visit you, I was so anxious, I had never been on a plane alone. but the second I saw your face when you opened the door it was like the anxiety melted, my cheeks burnt up a rose red, as did yours. I loved you, I thought in my head, even at the age of 10 I knew I loved you. I swear my cheeks were rose red for those 14 days I spent at your house. remember when we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe and your step dad came upstairs and yelled at us, that was terrifying but, a memory I think about a lot. I tried not to cry the day I left, it was so scary and I would miss you so much but I couldn't tell you that without my cheeks lighting up like the sparkler you used to burn my heart. we stopped talking for a bit, that was rough for me. I needed my best friend, I got into a relationship when I was 12. worst decision I've ever made. well except one other, but that comes into play later. he abused me, I decided to visit you again in November of 2015, it was an amazing trip. I was still with the abuser but you convinced me to just call him and end it once and for all so, I did. I told him off I told him I couldn't do it anymore that I was to young for this, you held my hand the entire time, I had never felt so safe and wanted in my entire life. I blocked him, and just like that, it was over. I loved you, I had always loved you, it didn't matter who I was with I still wanted you. I remember laying in your bed, I was ready to be with you, I knew you had to have some sort of feeling for me, I just knew. I confronted you in the bed, I asked who you had a crush on but you wouldn't budge, I said it was me, I've never been that confident in my entire life, but you lit me up and made me feel like anything was possible. you said yes, I didn't expect you to say yes, I my heart jumped out of my throat and I spit out that I loved you. shocked, shocked is what you were. but you said you loved me back, I had never heard someone say it the way you said it. "I love you too" it ringed in my ears for days, days and days, but I didn't mind, for it was your voice I heard. we never really said we were together nor did you ask me out but it was kinda just decided, I was scared to tell anyone I didn't even tell my parents till may, and I never lie to my parents but I loved you with everything I had and I didn't want to lose you. going home was hard, physically painful almost. I cried the entire flight home, I wouldn't be able to see you till February, you came out on valentines day, It was amazing, I was so happy to see you again, you looked just as beautiful as always, if perfection was a person it would have been you. we kissed till the sunrise, it was amazing. you were so gentle with me and I had never met someone who cared so deeply about me. but I cared about you more than I will ever care to admit. I remember we got our favorite childhood snacks, ramen, reese's, and cookies n' cream ice cream, we BINGED parks and rec, we agreed that you were Andy and I was literally April, Ron and Leslie all together, I loved that I could my 100% myself around you, I've never done that around anyone but you, and I honestly don't know if I ever will. but that's okay, I'm okay that my 100% self was only ever shown to you. I loved you so much, but then, She came into play. it started small, she was my best friend, but you were my best, best, forever (I thought) she ruined it all but that didn't happen till later and I'm still thankful for the small happiness spark I got before you put me out. she would hang out with us whenever you'd visit. I'm not the jealous type but when I saw her arms draped around you while we all laid in my bed, it hurt, I never lashed out, or got mad, I didn't even stop it (I should've) I watched you fall in love with my best friend, I felt our spark get smaller and smaller, I felt you falling out of my hands and into hers, it fucking hurt, it still fucking hurts. I told myself this is was normal. that you guys being so physically affectionate was, normal, okay. so I pushed the bad thoughts away and I tried to just enjoy every moment I had with you, even thought I knew you wanted her more. the breaking point for me was my birthday, when it hit midnight you showered me in love and kisses and my body had the marks to show how much you loved me. waking up to my mom telling there was waffles (you and i's favorite breakfast food) the morning was amazing, but then. my party, she came. I have fucking picture proof of her all over you, I can't look at it without bawling. after the party, I cried, It all came out, Every single thing I was upset about. you let me fall into just how you let me fall into the depression of losing you months later, I cried into your chest harder than I've ever cried before. you played with my hair and told me it was okay, but it wasn't. I knew you were drifting away from me. I tried to be like her, but I really didn't know what you saw in her. except her body. I stopped eating, I fucking stopped eating. it wasn't enough for you, was it? you seemed to notice when my hips went further out than my stomach. or when my boobs went down an entire cup size, but it wasn't enough for you. I loved you still, I blamed her for all of when maybe I should have blamed you too. but I didn't, because to me, you were living perfection. I went home with you, flying with you was incredible, we cuddled and listened to music and when we landed it was so peaceful I wish I could relive that day just one more time. I loved being with you, we binged Dance moms, our favorite was Chloe. we ate so much junk food except for the fact that I would go throw it all up, I was pretty good at being silent and making myself throw up, I don't even know why I kept doing it, I knew you were drifting but I also knew you were IN love with me. but I wanted to be perfect for you, but I guess that's my own problem. the day I left, I left a letter under your pillow telling you just how much I loved you. I didn't see you again till May. I missed you so fucking much, the night you arrived I held you for hours never letting go, it was like we were catching up on all the months you had been gone, you had been in South Africa and for a bit I was in Mexico. that night we were cuddling and you got up suddenly and you said you got me something, my cheeks lit up like the sparkler you put out again, except the feeling of heat rushed through my entire body, you pulled out a little bag, and inside was blue wooden elephant and it had some black and then little white dots, I teared up. I felt so loved and needed just because of a simple elephant (I still have it) I hugged you so tight and again we kissed till the sunrise. I don't remember much from the trip except her being all over you and holding your hand, you told me that you didn't even like her? but the look in your eyes when you talked to her, was the look you used to give me and that tore me to bits and pieces. we grew stronger but also fell further apart, we were the relationship everyone wanted, we were literal memes in every picture or video of us. I loved you with every fucking atom in my body but I never told you that. I don't even know if you loved me that much. but at least you loved me right?
months passed, I felt you completely drift from me, we didn't talk for almost a week and a half at one point because we were both "busy" we weren't you were just tired of me and I was tired of trying.
weeks pass and then the boom comes. it all comes out. every single thing you tried to hide from me came out. but why the fuck did I have to hear it from her? why did I have to hear that you had been cheating on me with her. why didn't you just fucking tell me? I don't get mad, not most the time. but I had never been that mad in my entire life. I don't fucking get it.


He left.

I tried to get with other people to forget you, but I couldn't. I got into a relationship 2 days after we broke up, I still loved you. I never stopped loving you. you were my sun and moon, the stars that rotate around the universe. even after you did what you did, I still wanted to give you every single thing I could, but we didn't talk. I blocked you, but I wasn't over you.

I honestly don't know if I ever will be.
I wasn't even mad I was losing our relationship, I was mad that I was losing my best friend of 9 years. It hurt so bad you'll never know, and nobody will ever understand.

this is my first time really talking about what happened.
I'm so broken, and I hope what you did haunts you for the rest of your life.
but I don't hate you, for I love you with every atom in my body, still.

but i guess He lit me up and then put me out.

nobody will ever be able to light me up the way he did.

I was 13 years old when I learned what losing your heart was like.
and he was 15 years old when he learned what breaking the only heart he had ever known was like.