I don't have any idea how to write. But I'm writing this because I need an outlet. All I have is my thoughts and they are trapped inside my brain. I think my brain will explode if I continue to leave the thoughts inside. Cause you see the thing about my thoughts are they are very toxic. They are memories of sad things. Things I don't want to remember, yet its all I can ever think about. They're slowing eating away at my brain and I'm not sure how much more of it I can take. They are good memories, but that is what makes them most sad. They are attached to something that used to be and now no longer is. And I'm reminded of it every second of everyday.
You were such a big part of my life at one point. You were my whole life. And now you're not here. Well, you are, but you just don't care anymore. Which is probably up there on the list of endless reasons why it's so hard to get over you. It's hard because I'm grieving someone who is still alive. Who I could call up at any moment and they'd pick the phone up and answer. But I can't. Because you no longer care for me. The time we spent together meant nothing to you and I was nothing to you. If you loved me you would've stayed. You would have tried. But you didn't. You just left. And I was left confused. And heart broken. And now you've moved on. To someone who you've never ever showed interest in until after us. My heart hurts so much. Seeing you guys together. I want to not imagine you guys together but that's all that's running through my brain. I keep imagining you with her. Doing things we used to do. Doesn't that feel wrong to you? Doing our things with someone else? How is that okay to you? Going to Dutch with her? Getting food with her? Napping with her? Kissing her. I guess I wasn't good enough for you. Im not good enough for anyone. If it didn't work out with you it won't work out with anyone. I just can't believe you're with someone new. And her of all people. The girl everyone told me not to worry about but I knew. I fucking knew. I hate being right. My gut feeling is unbelievably accurate and everyone always makes me feel crazy but I'm not Im just right. How am I even supposed to process this? How am I supposed to get through this? Nobody understands or cares to understand. They're too busy with their own lives to care about mine. I'm so unbelievably miserable and I know people have it so much worse than me but my thoughts are just so overwhelming I just want to make everything stop. I don't want to be sad anymore but there's only really one sure way to accomplish that. They will never stop and I won't ever stop being sad as long as I'm alive. If it's not this thing it's the next. A never ending cycle for me. It's not like I even have much of a purpose on this earth. I don't plan on having a family, don't have many friends or people that would remotely care if I was no longer around. If I disappeared no one would notice. Who knows maybe Ill feel better by morning and be totally fine. I highly doubt that though.