(Whole story is available on wattpad and ao3. Wattpad:https://www.wattpad.com/user/bittersweetyugyeom/ineffable (search for bittersweetyugyeom and then the story ineffable and chapter 85. for some reason you can't find the story directly on wattpad). ao3:http://archiveofourown.org/works/12776211?view_adult=true (go on ao3, search for bittersweetyugyeom, go on my profile and then choose "If we could talk to time (my youth is yours)")


Time stops for Sehun – if it hasn't already – when Jongin, the dancer Kim Jongin, opens his door at some of Sehun's forgotten yesterdays, or todays.

It's like flying through time even though it's not, but Sehun feels safe when he's buried into the crook of Jongin's neck, the smell of familiar and not familiar cologne winding up into his nose. Jongin doesn't ask why he has a handful of Sehun in his arms or why the boy remembers his name or what he's doing to pay the apartment he's living in, even if he won't live there so much longer.

Jongin directs him into the kitchen, coffee and a packet of cigarettes already on the table, ready to die for Oh Sehun's thirsty mouth and for Kim Jongin's hungry lungs. Ash grey clouds are already filling the small room up, ash tray nearly full and clothes stinking after the undying scent of smoke. The first cigarette is quickly lit and then Jongin's ready to talk, lungs burning on it finest, and dying on it finest, like Jongin wants to die.

Sehun asks a lot today, unreadable why and mysterious, which was normally Jongin's job. The smoke is curling like time is curling for Sehun when he wants to stand up and bury himself into Jongin's neck forever but time is holding him back; because who wants to love someone stuck in time when the other is running out of hours where he shouldn't.

It takes time for Sehun to gather his strength, because this question could either destroy their relationship for today or back it up even more and so Sehun somehow finds it, full with confidence, but also quiet.

"Jongin, why do you smoke?", Jongin stops in his movements and Sehun ask if Jongin experiences how Sehun feels everyday, stopping without wanting to be stopped and then Jongin laughs fully and sad.

Jongin has to laugh heavily first, coughing out smoke and time, before he takes another drag of his cigarette and laughs again. "You can ask such question without thinking, because you know that you'll forget the answer tomorrow, don't you? That is why you're not able to love, because love includes memories and you don't have memories, Oh Sehun. You only have todays", the bitter undertone is making Sehun's heart ache and he sees how the time curls faster out of Jongin's mouth, all along with the smoke.

"Because I want to die faster. I think the most people smoke because they want to die faster", the answer may should have been shocking or hurt Sehun in any way, because he knows that Jongin likes to be cruel to him, because Jongin knows he's dying, dying with his lungs that are filling with snot Jongin cannot stop, before it finally stops him, heart not beating and lungs not filling; so yes, Sehun understands a lot why Jongin wants to die faster in favour of burning his lungs alive and filling it with ash grey time he's not supposed to have.

Sehun also understands why Jongin is jealous, jealous of all these hours Sehun has and he does not deserve, because he won't be able to recall even one of them tomorrow, and that's why his smile is so sad when Jongin ask why Sehun is not shocked and that he looks like he want to cry when he gets that Sehun has read his post-it's about his illness.

But Jongin was made to break, never to last even if he wants to, while Sehun is solid in hours he does not want to live, because everybody is moving on without him and even without him remembering his loved ones tomorrow there still will be a pain in his heart when he sees his pictures of them and realizes that they're not here anymore and his brain and time decided to make him forget about it. So he may not remember who he has lost, but he remembers losing someone and that hurts, because he experiences the feeling of freshly having lost someone every new day.

Jongin's smoke is painted red, like blood and strawberries and Sehun would like to keep Jongin living at least until July when the strawberries are growing again or until the next christmas, because christmas is only two months away and Sehun does not know if these two months of tomorrows and todays are enough to fill Jongin up with life again.