Dear C,

I am writing this letter to you, tonight, because I realized I need to move on from you. People would think that I’m crazy for loving you this whole time, even though you’ve been in a relationship during those two years of me loving you. The thing is, they don’t understand how much I’ve grown to care about you.

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic growing up, and I still am to this day. I’m not going to deny it. There is something so beautiful about believing in love, and just hoping, wishing for it every day. As much as it can be a curse, I consider it a gift. During my childhood and a majority of my teenage years, love was supposed to be obvious. It was supposed to be present, in everyone’s life. It was supposed to happen to everyone during their teenage years. Except that I was wrong.

Love creeped up on me in the most subtle way. It was present, but only from one side. It happened when I was sixteen, to both of us, but we weren’t even together. I was alone, and you were with your girlfriend. Well, I guess this one isn’t true. You weren’t with you girlfriend when you first spoke to me. Back then, I didn’t know that you would end up meaning so much to me, that you would be my first love. I never thought that this compliment you gave me that morning, in the lockers, between my math and history classes, that we would end up having a relationship. To this day, I don’t really know how to define this relationship. I think I would describe it as a love connection, but you would only say it’s a friendship one. And that’s okay, I grew up to accept it.

Who would’ve thought that I would find love in my math class? I know for sure I didn’t. You sat in front of me, but we didn’t talk after that compliment you gave me, for a while. The only interactions we would get were from talking to a common friend. Slowly, though, when we started to speak to each other, not because of our friend, but because we really wanted to, it was the most pleasant thing that I’ve ever felt. I had never felt that way before, and I didn’t understand how to deal with it. The only way I could ignore it, was from not thinking too much about it. I told myself that it was nothing, that I was just feeing blessed with getting a new friend who seemed to be interested in who I was. There is a saying that goes like, “Love makes you blind.” I guess in a way, it had started, but it was blinding me to my own feelings.

When I finally had the courage to admit it to myself, and to one of my closest friends, it felt great. I felt excited, nervous, happy. There was a whole storm of feelings going on in my heart, but it was the best thing that I’d ever felt in a long time. The whole thing was very new to me, but I liked it. I liked the way you made me feel. And I liked it better when my friend told me that she knew there was something going on between the two of us, because of the way you looked at me. To this day, I still don’t believe it. I think she was biased, and just wanted to make me feel better because deep down, she knew we would never be a thing, and that’s okay, because it did make me feel all happy inside. For the rest of the year, you were my happiness.

Then, on my birthday, one of my friends outed me, telling everyone that I liked you, because of Never Have I Ever. The sentence was, “Never have I ever liked someone who’s in a relationship.” I was feeling brave that day, happy too, because you’d told me happy birthday. I liked you so much, that I needed my secret to be out, not completely, but I needed them to know that I liked someone. It became one of my regrets later when she told everyone, without knowing for sure, but of course, everyone knew. Because I was looking at you, the same way you were looking at me.

Summer passed, and I thought we wouldn’t talk again during our senior year. I thought that this friendship we had, was only because we were in the same math and French classes. Was I hopeful that we would still talk, though? Yes. You were what I was wishing for, for the whole summer. How much I missed you is how much I miss you today. Happily for me, we were in almost all the same classes. That’s when I knew we would talk again.

My senior year was the best year of my life. I really feel like I found myself in a lot of different aspects, and you were so present in my daily life. Everything was like a dream. We weren’t together, but I was slowly falling in love with you. I didn’t know it then, only when we started the second semester of senior year.

That semester is when I realized I was in love with you. This time though, I had no one to tell. My friends had started to get bored with my stories about you, and they were telling me that I needed to move on. I knew I couldn’t drop that bomb. Me, being in love with you? They would’ve judged me so bad, and all of this because I loved you. I couldn’t help falling in love with you. You were the best thing in my life. Your kindness, how nice you were to me, how you didn’t judge me for who I was, your gentle touch, how soft your eyes seemed when you looked at me, your smile, just the person you are every day, were enough to make me fall, hard.

C, I cared so much about your wellbeing. I remember praying the night before a test, for you to do well, and I remember praying during a test. I knew how much it meant to you and I needed you to succeed, just to see you happy. I remember hearing you talk about your girlfriend and how much it felt like a knife was being twisted in my wound, and thinking, “How could I ever make you happy like this?” I needed you to be so happy that sometimes I forgot I needed happiness too.

When the after graduation party came, at the end, I remember you hugging me and how much it felt like a goodbye. It ripped me apart, but I still couldn’t help hoping, hoping that maybe someday, we would be together. I had grown so attached to you, that in some way, you were a big part of my happiness. The thought of losing you was frightening to me, but I didn’t realize then that you had never been mine. You never were going to be mine.

The questions all came back to be about me: “Why am I not enough? Why can’t I be the one to make you happy? Why does it have to be like this? Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Talented enough?” The truth is, that it never was because of me. I think I know now, that it’s not because of me, but because of you. You are not the right person for me. You’re not the person who can admire my beauty, my intelligence and my skills. That’s okay too. Not everyone is meant to be together. You and I weren’t, C, but you and your girlfriend were. I know someday I will find someone who sees me, someone that really does. But I will never forget you, because you are my first love. I don’t regret any of our moments, because you made me happy for such a long time. No one could ever regret that.

I thank you for being the person you are. It’s time for me to move on. I guess this is my goodbye to you. I've finally come to accept that my love for you, will never be returned.

Love, Cass

This is really long and I'm very sorry. I just needed a place to share this, because it's not just some text I wrote for my own fun, but because this is a letter I wrote to my first love. I've been meaning to move on for a while now, and I think I'm finally ready to do so and it seemed like a good idea for me to confess my love in this letter. I got the inspiration from Lara Jean, I hope she doesn't mind. So yeah, if anyone even read it all, thank you, I guess, but I must sound so pathetic. Sigh. Also, sorry if this doesn't make any sense, it's me trying to communicate my feelings, not a good combination!