As I thought, it took so much time before I could put myself back in front of the computer.
I thought that things would be better going back to university, but as usual I was wrong.

For the first time I felt bad doing what I wanted to do too. I felt bad outside my room. I felt bad while I was sorrounded by my friends. I felt bad when I had to feel good. When I wanted to feel good.

I don't know what is my sadness, if it is just laziness or misunderstanding or melancholy or depression...but I always thought that I felt bad because I couldn't do what I wanted.
In those days I was almost doing what I wanted, I was with my "friends", and I felt very bad anyway.
I'm constantly living with the desire of something else, with the consciousness that what I'm doing in my life isn't what I want, with the feeling of wasting my youth.
I've always been surrounded by the type of people that I didn't want, I've always been restrained and I've had just a couple of chance to show myself and what I like to do. So I closed in myself and look for an opportunity, a moment, but in the meanwhile I'm sick, getting worse.
And when finally I took that chance and I went out with my friends, I thought I felt better, I thought that all the darkness would go away for one night, but it wouldn't.

I want to disappear, I want to escape, I want to shout I'm not ok, I want to shout I'm not living, I want to die.
I want to die because even when I'm really living everything sucks.
I want to die because I understand that my own mind, my own body refuse to do what I supposed I wanted to do.

My body is a jail
and I'm the prisoner.

angel, sad, and wings image

- For the people who have had the patience to read up here I’m sorry if I bored you and I really thank you for dedicating some of your precious time to me. That‘s a thing only few people do.
I hope I can write something else soon.
If someone would to send me a message I’ll very grateful and happy.

Stay tuned.
Love, Nausicaa