Tomorrow is my brother's memorial service, to be held in a building at a local park, and I don't know what I'm going to say. My boyfriend moved 12 hours away and won't be there. Mom will be busy talking to everyone. Who do I have to keep me sane? To keep me from stabbing myself? My boyfriends awkward parents whom I didn't even invite?
I don't want to talk. I want to disappear. I need to drive separately so I have a getaway. Pinchot. Escape where there's no one. Maybe Jason can meet me there.
So many scenarios of tomorrow have gone through my mind that it almost feels like tomorrow already happened.
Andy, you're the only one coming who can save me.
I'll want to run, hide, hurt myself.
I've run through scenarios of all three.
I'll have to be in the same room as my dad and other brother.
Next door is a fire station. Hopefully they have EMTs on site, because I'm going to need some. Or an ambulance. Or a coroner.
Might sound stupid, but I wish I could ask... someone in particular to come, because he would comfort me just by existing. He'd help me forget what's happening.
Get out of your fairytale.
No one's gunna save you.

Added: I escape to a lake/park area 30 min down the main road to get out of my head. and bam! SCENARIO! They pop into my head like invasive thoughts.
I lay down on the rocks and ***** my wrists there. I breathe in the trees and the water. I drift off. And I'm finally free.
A scenario I can't get out of my head is ***** in the building at the memorial. Or out in the soccer field. In the grass. On a bleacher. I don't really care. The lake though... I told 2 people of my plan to go there, and it almost felt like saying goodbye.

Weheartit, don't block me for this.