My first real relationship started last year and it looked like it was going to be a great one. My boyfriend seemed loving and caring and perfect.
But he wasn`t, as I discovered soon enough. I don't want to get in any details, but he wanted to do things with me in bed that I didn't want to do. All this stuff you can see in pornos. he wanted from me. And I didn't want to do that, so he accused me for being a bad girlfriend.
I broke up with him, of course, but that damaged me.
After that, I met some guys in clubs and bars, and every single one of them only wanted sex. None of them wanted to get to know me, none of them cared about me.

Then, one night, I was too drunk to be carefull enough, and I ended up with a guy who told me he would give me some water, if I followed him to his home and drunk me believed him and followed. But in his room he started to undress me, even though I said no, and he put me on his bed and did ... stuff. I don't remember everything, but I do remember how I told him to stop and that I want to go. He didn't listen. He just went on.

After that I figured that maybe I wasn't worth more than sex. Maybe I'm not suppsed to be in a loving relationship, that happens. Maybe it was my fault because I got drunk, you know. I should have been more careful.

When you meet guy after guy and they all just want you for the one
thing, then you start to believe you're not worth anything more.

So when you told me, that you thought I was a great person and that you actually liked spending time with me and I told you to shut up and never lie to me again, I didn't to it to hurt you, I did it because I really didn't believe you. I know now, that you really did like me, and that's the worst.

All these stupid boys before you screwed me up so bad that I couldn't even slightly believe you. And the sad thing is, I'm not the only girl out there who had to experience that
At this point I was used to being used this much that it didn't even occur to me that you could honestly like me. Not for my body, but for me.

I stopped believing in me. Because of the way guys treated me. I didn't believe you at all. You could not be falling for me, never.

I miss you, L, I really do. I think about you all the time. Because even though I realized it too late, you saved me. You made me believe again, at least a little bit. You liked me, so I can't be worthless, can I?
L, you saved me. Please know that.

All the love,
the girl that couldn't believe you