A Bit About Me

I have social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder.

I hate myself.

I've always had a bit of an identity crisis thing going on. I don't really fit in anywhere which is why it's hard for me to make friends.

I got diagnosed with anxiety about a year ago and PTSD three months ago. But the depression has been fluctuating since 6th grade when my life pretty much did a downhill slope.

I had a self-harm issue in which I would use a sharpener or scissors to cut my wrist. It wasn't deep enough to leave scars so - according to the world - it didn't happen or I was just doing it for attention.

But someone told the guidance counselor, who told my dad, who told my therapist. And I suddenly became that girl: the one who wanted to die.

But I got kind of better over time but I was never really happy with who I was.

In 7th grade, I went through the 'I want to be popular, pretty, and cool' phase and hung around really superficial people. They were nice to my face but not good people at all.

But I stayed with them because I just wanted someone that cared about me as much as I did them.

In 8th grade, I didn't want to do that anymore. My best friend is popular and is a queen bee but in a kind way. So I had someone by my side but I still didn't know what to do.

It was a better time for me because I found my own Freaks & Geeks. I had my fangirls, my band geeks, my nerds, and my Tumblr users. Everything was good and I still am really close with them.

But as I now join high school and we're all at different schools, with me alone at mine, I don't really have anybody anymore.

Drama is taking my friends from me and only increasing my depression more.

Just yesterday I cut my wrists for the first time in 4 months.

When I came clean to my best friend she simply said:

Ya, don't do that again.
Me: I can't promise that.
Ya
hate, myself, and black and white image

I still struggle a lot with who I am. I don't like a bunch of things about myself. I could sit here and list them all but we'd be here for days.

  • My skin tone; I'm really pale and I don't wear shorts or show my legs to people often
  • My clothing; You wanna steal my look? Get a hoodie to hide in and skinny jeans. Extra points for Target brand Converse
  • My hair; This is weird but it shows just how scrutinizing we can be on ourselves. My hair is a golden brown color and is really thin. Meaning that I can't do a ponytail without looking like a rat and buns are just piles of poop resting atop my head.
  • Talking; I'm a very talkative person and I loathe that. As horrible as this sounds, I would give a kidney to have a quiet personality
  • I'm annoying; I've been called this so many times and it affects me horribly no matter what context. It's one of my biggest weaknesses
  • My sexuality; I still don't know what exactly I am yet but as of now I identify as bisexual but tell people I'm asexual. It's just easier in a sense.
  • My grades; The last one is my grades because even though I don't have physical pressure on me to get good grades, it's still prominent in the looks I get after a report card.

I shouldn't get a sinking feeling and an urge to self harm from a test grade.

But I am slowly getting friends that like me for me and not for who I try to be. Yes, I have a class where I'm completely isolated as my once-friends giggle and chat two rows in front of me and that's horrible.

But I'm only in 9th grade. I've got my entire life to find happiness.

Now some stans because this got depressing and I'm sorry.

kpop <3 anime abs
Top Right: Min Yoongi from BTS; Top Left: Adrien Agreste from Miraculous Ladybug; Bottom Left: Hitachiin Twins from Ouran High School Host Club; Bottom Right: Corentin Huard who's a model I found on Instagram

I hope you enjoyed this article. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD are prominent things in my life and want people to know that it does get better.

— girlinahoodie