I went to my psychiatrist last month. I'm bipolar. I have had manic reactions. I have attempted suicide more than once. I have been hospitalized numerous times.

He asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine, except for moments of complete and total existential despair where I question why I am here.

I told him these moments were perfectly normal and had been happening since I was 17. I'm 35 years old.

He told me there was nothing "normal" about them. And promptly doubled my Ziprasidone dosage. I currently take three "mood stabilizers".

Is the answer to existential despair more Ziprasidone?

Should I be honest with my psychiatrist if the knee jerk reaction is going to be to double a medication I am on?

I would think it would be abnormal not to have moments of existential despair at some point.

I routinely feel like I am not meant to be in this reality. My husband always asks me what the hell that means.

I'm not suicidal. I just don't feel I am meant to be here. Maybe there is another reality out there that doesn't suck as much as this one does. It's not just about that though.

I literally feel like I don't fit here. Like I landed in this reality but it's not where I belong and that's why things have been and continue to be so hard.

There are supposedly millions of other realities out there, right? Look around you. It's a fucked up world. Who could happily fit into this place? So, because I question my place in it, that makes me crazy?