a while ago, i wrote a piece called "the difference between lonely and alone" it went like this:

lonely and alone
two different words
two different meanings
two different feelings.

alone
is what i ask to be
when it seems the whole world
is weighing in
on matters that concern only me.

lonely
is what i hate to be.
i want to know someone is there
but not right there next to me.

lonely and alone.
one is what i wish to be.
one is what i'm afraid to be.

and honestly, i haven't felt intensely since i wrote that poem. but tonight something in me clicked and it was that damn voice that practically screams "you aren't good enough" and "you're the second choice compared to everyone else."
do you know what i would give if i could steal those words from that voice and leave it powerless?
i feel so guilty for having these emotions. people are suffering much, much worse than me, but i can't seem to shake this. hell, i have the most amazing friends and family in the world, but i can't jump over these obstacles.

i'm so ridiculously tired. tired of only having myself to talk to. i really don't ask for much, someone to tell me to have a good day or even someone to ask me about my day. that sounds so cringey and angsty. apologies.

i'm also so incredibly tired of brushing this garbage off. if i tell one of my friends that im in my "mood" again, i tell them not to worry because i'll get over it. but here i am, almost a year after writing that piece, still feeling the exact same. so "getting over it" is gonna have to take a seat on the bench for a while, i'd like to have a new player in the game.

in conclusion, i'm tired of being alone and lonely, and i'm tired of convincing myself that this will all go away if i just keep telling myself it will.