i belive the first time i realised that nothing in life really matters was when i was about eight years old.
it was october and the leaves were no longer green, the weather had been awful for the past few weeks but i remember that on that perticular day, the sun shone and it was warm. looking back at it, i feel as though the universe was laughing at me.

when i woke up that day i noticed that something was different, like something had broken inside of me overnight. something that i still, to this day, have not been able to fix.
as the day proceeded i felt worse and worse. there was a gushing emptiness inside of my heart and i did not know from where it came.
that evening at around six o'clock, my mother told me to take the dog for a walk and so i did.
i crossed the street and the dog pulled on the leash, as always.
i jumped over the annoying stone that laid near the pavement, as always.
and i kept my eyes on the floor afterwards, as always.

but then i lifted my head towards my old house and i saw a tiny tree standing in front of it. i never really payed attention to it until that day.
how it tried so hard to keep the now orange leaves on its thin young branches.
the sun shone through what little of the treetop was still left, directly into my face. sometimes when i revisit this day in my memories i can still feel the soft wind gush over my face and how the soft sun rays felt on my cheeks.

then i saw how a single leaf detached itself from one of the branches.
and when it fell down into the grass, i cried.

i cried like i never cried before. not when my dad left or when my mom's first boyfriend moved in with another woman.
i stood there crying on the side of the road with cars passing by every second and when i noticed my dog pulling on her leash, i dried my tears and i kept walking forward.

now, if you would've asked me that day in october why i felt like this, i probably would've told you that it was nothing even though it wasn't.
but if you would ask me now, i would tell you that it was the first time in a long while that i saw a glimpse of light in a horrible period of my life. it gave me comfort when nothing else did. and even though it was short lived i will forever be thankfull for the realisation that passed me when that leave hit the ground.

that nothing in this life really matters.