A little bit of background

I don't even know where to start, but here we go. I am not the type of person that falls in love very easily. In fact, it only happened twice. All my life I've been surrounded by boys, I've always liked to play games, flirt, and seduce, but I rarely feel the butterflies in my stomach anymore. Not until recently. Before I tell the story I would like to give a little bit of background on my previous love life since it will help you understand the story. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend last year. Our relationship just wasn't as enthusiastic as before and I stopped loving him after almost two years of dating. I was still in HighSchool and he was going away for college. We tried doing long-distance which worked to a certain extent for almost a year. Even though we dated for a year in long-distance I got to see him during the holidays and vacation when he came back home. He also made sure to facetime me every day. We loved each other a lot. I trusted him and he trusted me. After what I believe was 6 months of being away from each other I started to really feel the effects of loneliness. It felt like I was dating but did not have a boyfriend. I'm a person of touch, passion, and attention so it was really hard not to feel lonely. I started thinking about other boys, and how I wanted someone to be with me. I felt like I was betraying him with my thoughts. After a while, I knew I had to break up with him because I knew that thinking about being with other guys was wrong even though I would never actually cheat on him. So, I waited for him to get back home and broke up with him. I blamed myself for a long time after our break-up and felt terrible. He was perfect and there was nothing wrong with him but he was still not good enough for me. There was something missing.

Someone new

Time passed, fast-forward to this year. I graduated High School. Everything was going really well I would say. I finally stopped blaming myself for what happened. I stopped thinking about him. And most importantly, I kept saying to myself: I never want to date again. Yes, it seems a little bit dramatic on my part, and maybe it is, but it was a coping mechanism that I found to feel better about myself. Anyway, on the day of my graduation, I went to this party with my friends. And there was this boy. A boy that never seems to have paid attention to me. He was from my class and had become really close friends with my older brother. He used to date one of my friends in high school but they had broken up. Anyway, I never looked at him as more than a friend due to all these reasons. I mean, I always thought he was attractive, but in my head, he was so unreachable that I never allowed myself to think of him as more than a friend. We all got pretty drunk at the party and decided to go to my house as an after. It was me, him and two other friends of ours (a girl and a boy). We drunkenly decided to hop on the hot tub and laugh for about the rest of the night. As you can imagine, 4 drunk teenagers on a hot tub who had just graduated high school. Obviously, something happened. No one there was a saint. We started playing games, daring each other to do things. So, yeah, I made out with him. And by the way, he was dating a girl from another school, so he cheated on her with me. You can judge me but I don't regret a thing. He was not the first boy I kissed after my break up, on the contrary, I had kissed more than 20 boys and was going through what I call my "slut phase". But out of the 20 boys I got with, none came close to what I felt when I was with him. I really don't know what happened that day, but it was the first time in a year that I felt butterflies, tension, and lust. I was mesmerized. I got home, laid on the bed, and tried to process what just happened. I kept asking myself millions of questions like: why would he do this if he had a girlfriend? does he feel the same way I do? Did he feel the butterflies as well? Was I just another girl? and etc ... I woke up the next day and flashbacks of the night before kept showing up in my head. Anyway, we OBVIOUSLY kept it a secret since he was still dating so I couldn't tell my friends. I had to keep it all to myself. At that point, he was my little secret. We eventually talked about what happened and since we were pretty close friends we just decided to forget it. I felt kinda bad but honestly, I was expecting that since HE HAD A F*KING GIRLFRIEND. So yeah I felt used. We stopped talking for about a week and then I receive the news that he had broken up with his girlfriend because things didn't work out between them. I heard that she cheated on him so he broke up with her (no, he didn't tell her he cheated on her as well). He starts talking to me again. It took like a month for us to actually get together again. We went to this party, got drunk, we sat together next to each other to talk. We flirted, we talked and he, with his persuasive way, managed to make me want to make out with him. this time in front of everyone. And again, every thought, every bit of lust and desire came back. The same way it did back the first time we got together. I really hate myself for taking so much time of mine to write about THIS BOY who does not even CARE about me. Anyway, 2 days ago we went to my place again and somehow he convinced me to get with him again, and then yesterday he threw a party at his place. He made sure to make out with a girl in front of me. I pretended that I did not care, after all, I know him very well to know he is a manwhore. I wanted to be with him again, my body asks for him to be near me, I like his touch, the way he kisses me, and basically, everything he does. I am so fucked up, and I know it. He is the type of guy you don't want to like cause he will only use you. And even though I expected a little bit more of him since I'm his FRIEND and not just some random girl, he still treats me the same as everyone else. Right after I got home from HIS party at HIS house, he calls me. He says that he wants me to come over again to be with him. this call was so bad but so good. Even though I knew he had called me because none of his other girls were awake, my brain still managed to smile when his name popped up on my phone. I hate myself for that. It was 3 AM, and the only words my brain was able to process was "I want to be with you". Well thinking more about it today made me understand that these words meant nothing more than "I want to use you and have sex with you because I know you are an easy target and I might have noticed that you like me". So yeah, I really don't know what to do at this point and I need help but I can't tell anyone about this. I wish I was something more than just a girl but I don't want to get my hopes up so I will continue to play the "friends with benefits" card and hopefully don't get my heart crushed since it took so long for it to recover.

hate myself for that

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Image by Tandy Johnson
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