Yesterday I stalked some old friends of mine. It's something I usually do when I'm bored or curious about what they are up to. I've actually done it so many times that I could be a professional stalker haha. Every time I do it though, I feel a little bit sad. I know not every thing is what it seems on social media, but some of it must be true. They all looks so happy, and even though I remember the amount of anxiety I got, when I was with them, I want to be there. It's like a twisted mind game someone is playing on me.

The things is, is that I'm very different. Not in the way act, because let's be honest I'm very basic, but in the way I feel about certain things. Like a couple years ago, when I lost a whole friend group, because I told them I didn't want to drink or smoke, which I still don't do to this day, may I add. Drinking or smoking didn't feel right at the time and it still don't. It sucks that they didn't want to go partying with me because of that, but since I still haven't gone to a party at 17, therefor having no idea, as to how it is to have a sober friend at a party, I can't blame them.

But it was not just the drinking. It was them looking at life differently than me. I have big plans for my future, but they didn't seem to care about theirs. They also did very immature things, like one of the girls constantly smoked, when we were together, but claimed she wasn't addicted. Yeah right. We were only 14 at the time. So I don't blame them for acting the way they did. As I said before, I'm different, and I was also more immature than them, in a lot of other ways. And yes, I wasn't really happy when I was with them. I was always trying to be what they wanted me to be, if I'm being honest. I'm happy I'm out of it now, but I still miss them in a weird way. We were and are so different from each other, but I think I started to really care for them. Probably in a way they never did for me. If friendships are this complicated, no wonder I haven't been in a relationship yet.

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