I just watched all the photos I have on my Instagram about my weight loss and I revived all this years fighting for my health and losing weight, all the feelings that I have had happiness, sadness, frustration, being proud of myself. My life definitely is not just about weight lost, I have many phases and I have experience lots of things in all this years.

I got my bachelors degree, went to Germany, went in several vacations with my family, I stared going out with my friends!, learned German, forgot German, I fought again my hormones (so far I'm losing the battle) felt in love for the first time, was heart broken for the first time, I changed jobs, didn't had job for an entire year wich was the worst experience in my life, I found my amorcito, I have been with him for 3 years! I got a new job! It's been ok so far. I was on therapy for 4 years and this week I decided I'm ready to handle all by myself. I have lost friends and found new ones.

I think I have had 3 main goals in life: weight lost, life by myself, find love. But I haven't reached any of those goals, at least not int the way I was planning.

Independence is out of the table, I'm still living with my dad and being frustrated about that almost every single day, with anxiety and depression about it.

But at least for a moment I found love, not in another person but with myself, there was a time in all this experience where I truly believed I was enough, I was proud of myself and I care so much about me. I took care of myself and (after a little slip with an asshole) I found love, I found my amorcito and I believe it was because I trusted myself, I was confident and knew I deserved love and happiness. Yes I was the the skinnies I have been in my entire life but I think I was loosing weight because I cared about me.

Now I'm going backwards, I'm gaining weight, I feel like I don't have control over my life, I feel lost and without energy to care about me and I don't like that.

I want to find myself, I need to find myself, I miss myself.

I don't want to relay in another's love I want to go back loving and caring for me. Because no one will never ever love me like I do, not even my bf.