It got to a point where I felt like I was losing myself, being trapped inside someone I didn't wanted to be.
But nobody would realize what was behind every action, every word.
Can you see pain?
It felt like I was fighting myself and turning the hate I had towards me, into everyone else. I'd fight and I'd treat them how I was treating myself.
In the end everyone started to fade away.
Like it has always been.
And yes, if you ask me, I do wanted to be better, I do wanted to do more and be as good as everyone expected me to be, but I can't or where do start to work?
I feel like everyone finds it easy. Telling you to start doing, do it, start. But where?
And yes for some it is. It isn't for me.
How come I would do anything for the people around me but I was receiving almost nothing. I was worrying more about them all and neglecting me. It's okay, I didn't do it because I wanted something but how come you make 1 mistake (or a bunch of them) and they just see the bad things.
It brought me back to realizing I was hoping too much. That's life. We're constantly changing. We're all selfish in some ways.
Look around, no one is on your side. We're alone.
For instances I think I'm just a burden. I'm not worth.
You can judge me. And me too knows it's all on me, I blame myself too. How can something so easy be so hard for me. Do you, be you. That's all bullshit. It's so fucking hard.
How do I stop my head when I'm standing here but my mind is driving on 200km/h ahead of me. It gets me dizzy. There's so much going on at times, I have to wash my face with iced cold water and stay under the shower for a long time cause it's relaxing, as relaxing as wanting to getting inmerse and not coming out again. It worked, for a while. Now it isn't. Waiting to stay down there now sounds like such a good idea.

~shhaway