It took me time but I understand now. You were a lesson I needed to get through.
It didn't matter how much I cared about you, how much I wanted things to work out between us. It didn't matter how much I tried because regardless of your words, you weren't planning to stay in my life.
I admit it, my mistake was to fall in love with the idea of you, with your potential. I fell in love with the guy I believed you to be, but how couldn't I.
I fell in love with the guy that kissed me on Sky Garden on a cold night in February and begged me to stay with him, the guy that says he couldn't wait to get on a train to come see me. The guy who would send me photos of anything he was doing, photos and videos of him with his dogs, his family. The guy that texted me everyday day and said, goodnight baby. The guy who would kiss the camera to send me a kiss and had drinks with me on facetime, and then make future plans for when we could finally reunite. The guy who showed me parts of Belgium while going on bike rides which made me fall for him even more. The guy who told me about his fears, his achievements, things that made him happy. The drunk guy that sends me photos of his drunk face and tells me he wished I was there with him. The guy who was extremely excited to become an uncle and a godfather. The guy who shared parts of himself with me. The guy who told me I was the one, who would tell me how beautiful I am and how lucky he was to have me in his life. Who would say over and over again how much he wanted to be with me, to date me, how much he liked me, who couldn't wait for the lockdown to be over so we could finally be together. The guy that promised me the world.
Little did I know you didn't mean anything you said. I was honest with you from the first time we met, I made my intentions clear with you. When I told you I liked you, I meant it. When I told you I saw a future with you, I meant it. When I told you I would have fallen in love with you along the way, I meant it.

It was naïve of me to believe you when you said I was the only woman you wanted to be with. I had options too, the difference is I ignored them all cuz you were the only one I wanted while you kept juggling your options. I knew what you were doing so I asked you If you still wanted to be with me you said yes.
You started to get distant, so did I. Your words didn't mean anything anymore, I knew you were probably telling them the same things. It hurt to see you on facetime, I had to hold my tears a couple of times, but then, you would make me laugh. I was already in love with who I thought you were. I told you, I am all in if you are, you said yes. I tried till the end for us to work out, but you already had other people in your plans.
The worst part is that when you finally had me there, you didn't even care. You let me go like I meant nothing to you. That broke a part of me. Eight months that taught me a lesson.

Thank you for not choosing me. Thank you for showing me you were far from being the man I thought you were. Thank you for lying, invalidating my feelings, gaslighting me, for pretending. Thank you for all the tears I shredded for you, all the times I wonder if that was the end. Thank you for breaking what was left of my heart.
I tried to hate you, but I couldn't. I lowered my standards for you, myself. I ignored red flags. I stayed until there was nothing left to fight for. I was emotionally exhausted. The pain you put me through after you walked out of my life helped me grow, change.
I loved you, at least the good sides you showed, your vulnerable side, perhaps a small piece of my heart still does. But I don't remember the sound of your voice anymore, your accent. The way you hold me in your arms the first time we kissed. I don't remember what your laugh sounds like, just the way you cover your mouth when you do. I remember your blue eyes, your dirty blonde curly hair, the funny faces you used to make but I no longer have a clear image of your face in my mind. My memories of you are fading away, it makes me sad but I'm glad at the same time. Every photo, video, message is gone. It's like nothing existed between us. Just two strangers who met in London. One who fell in love, while the other one pretended he cared for months. Two strangers holding hands in Brussels, walking through Groot Begijnhof in Leuven. Two strangers holding each other at night for the last time, If only I would have known that was the last time.
I knew what I wanted, but you didn't. At some point, I did believe you were the one. I did believe we were going to get through lockdown regardless of being in different countries, that we were building a relationship, I believed in you.

I was hurt, disappointed. You were a lesson I had to learn.
I am still healing, it has its ups and downs sometimes. I had to let go of a part of me in order to become the woman I am today. Someone who regardless of how she feels won't settle for anything less of what she deserves.

I hope you have understood that in order to love someone else, you need to love yourself first. You can go from woman to woman, seek attention and someone to fill the other side of your bed, but if you don't know who you are as a person if you don't learn how to be happy by yourself, a moment of lust, momentary happiness won't fill the void in your heart.

To the man I loved, the one who said was my angel, I am glad I took a chance on us even if it didn't work out. With all my heart, I wish you the best and hope you become the amazing man I thought you were.