it's all the what if's in my head, that keep me up at night. what if I had told him what all we had really meant to me, what if I admitted to myself that I liked him earlier, that I really liked him. But instead I pretended not to feel anything at all, sometimes even made him feel bad about him showing some kind of feelings. after he left, I'm still thinking about all the what if's and the what could've beens and it's killing me. everyone keeps telling me the what if's, they don't matter but they really do. especially when you blame yourself for throwing away the potential of your relationship being something amazing.
i really started to live by the phrase "If we don't tell people how we feel how will they know" and there is so much truth to that but I realised just because I want to start telling people how I really feel about them doesn't mean that suddenly everyone reciprocates these thoughts. it is still hard to find the courage to admit your feelings to someone, especially if you're not sure that they feel the same way. the fear of rejection is unbearable but I guess in the end it's better to live with that fact that you were honest with your feelings and got rejected than replaying the what if's on a constant loop in your head.

i'm always wondering whether my own feeling are justfied, I'm someone who starts to think highly of people really fast. too fast sometimes. i know that I'm guilty of falling in love with potential, but once i allowed my head to feel and think that way of someone, I don't think about anything else and somehow that is my toxic trait. i develop attachment to people fast and from that moment on I expect things that are not justified at all. i get disappointed as soon as they don't live up to my expectations. I guess, in a way, these attachment issues are why i refused to tell people how i felt about them because i know that in some way it's creepy how much they are in my head at such an early state in the relationship. still, my past experiences taught me the importance of being honest with your feelings because if you keep them yourself for too long, you may lose someone who really had an impact on your life, someone who you wanted to keep in your life. so don't be afraid, tell them you like them, tell them about how you're thinking about them day and night. someday, you'll get over the possible rejection but the what if's will stick with you for a very long time, maybe even forever.