You’ve met Mr. Wrong, Mr. Toxic, and Mr. Co-Dependent…maybe a couple of times. This year, you’d like that to be different. You would like to meet THE ONE. As a relationship specialist, I am asked HOW to do this all.the.time. So…here’s the roadmap for HOW to get started on a healthy path to attracting the right partner so you can enjoy this Valentine’s Day in other ways beyond Ben and Jerry’s alone on the couch.

First things first. In order to look forward you need to reflect back…all the way back.

It all started with just you, and your beliefs about yourself. Did you spend a lot of your life believing that you don’t really deserve good things to happen to you? Did you self-sabotage? The love em’ and leave em’ before they leave you kinda style? Did you seek out the bad boy, the constant drama relationship, or the lost soul you want so badly to fix?

We’ve all been there. Here’s how to start rewiring the old beliefs that do not serve you, so you can begin to attract what you really want. This starts with believing you deserve it.

1. Be honest. What do you REALLY feel you deserve out of your life? What you have been taught to believe and adopted as true about your worth and value? If your negative beliefs do not align with the life you want, work on evicting those negative beliefs in hypnosis sessions. This is the stuff you can not “outrun.” It starts and ends with you.

2. Know what your attachment style is. Do you tend to assign yourself as the role of the “fixer” and find projects and not partners? Do you give it all up (emotionally or sexually) right out of the gate in attempt to bond and rope them in? Just to be ghosted soon after? Do you feel that “If I am not in a relationship, I am nobody?” Your attachment style will manifest in early childhood and follow you through life. Know which one is yours!

3. Recognize the Red flags. What did you tolerate in your last relationships which now you’ve made hard NOs in your relationships moving forward?

4. Be fluent in the language of “Energy Vampires.” If you feel worse about yourself after you leave an interaction with them, or they wipe you out energetically, it’s time to BOUNCE.

5. Acknowledge the loss of past painful relationships. Romantic or otherwise. Create closure for yourself, by yourself, even if you never got the “I’m sorry” you felt you deserved.

6. Don’t numb it. You cannot drink or drug away the pain of past relationships. The pain will be right there waiting for you when you sober up, along with the consequences. Face the pain and let it move through you, really go there and grieve, so you can start living your best life.

7. Forgive yourself. You are a student of life - learning and evolving every moment - so give yourself a bit of grace along your journey.

8. Speak up. Learn to communicate about your needs and wants from a partner, and no longer settle for any less than that.

9. You can be first. It is ok and even healthy to make YOU a priority! How will you know what’s best for you, if you don’t really know you? Date yourself, and fall in love with that person, before asking someone else to love you.

10. Different is not bad. Understand that initially, a healthy partner may seem different…which is good. This new relationship may or may not come with the emotional rush of your last toxic relationships. This is generally a great thing! However, you may not know how to fall for “the good guy.” You may find it to be the best trick you added to your bag. New and different will feel new and different. Give yourself time to develop real feelings in a healthy way, and give it room to grow. You just might find the love of your life.

While attracting the right partner is not as simple as tapping the “easy” button, its intentional effort can lead to a rewarding relationship. After all, what is worth having is worth putting in the work for right? Remember you have a choice. You can choose to make today the first day working towards finding a fulfilling partner. Or, you can choose to remain in the familiar position of doing the same things to attract the same unhealthy partner. There is so much beauty in the power to choose…use it wisely.