It was official in May; I graduated from university and let me tell you it was a rocky rest of the school year.

The whole world was on pause and things for school or anything academic was forever online for the next foreseeable future until we got this virus under control, which to be honest, I have no idea if we will. It's a shame that we're so negative about this. But we really don't know what's going on and there's a lot of conspiracy theories about it but overall people are dying, things are confusing and we have no idea what's going to happen literally in the next few months.

So I know we're all at a point where we feel desperate, depressed, lonely and anxious. We have been overly stimulated by always being alert on electronics and working. We just don't know what to do with ourselves. I can say that I have a roof over my head. I have food. I am able to (an extant) afford my apartment at the moment so I'm okay.

I have moved out on my own and I'm enjoying it but I'm still in a very negative head space.

I don't mean to be complaining about my problems. People are suffering way worse in the world with the virus really put a damper in people's plans for life but there's so much violence, war, racism and differences and stupidity amongst us.

So me complaining does not compare to what else is happening in our world. All I'm saying is as a person who is finally on their own, working full-time, not going to school and dropping out of two schools that I applied to makes me feel like I don't have purpose. I try to be a good person, to give back to society, and work my ass off but at the same time I don't know if that's enough for me.

I have some interests...

I've always enjoyed graphic design like making creative posts or logos for others or myself. I am right now helping with posts for the Instagram for my work and I gotten a pretty good feedback on it but it's still very amateur and lacks skill. I find I'm very good at taking photos/editing but I'm pretty bad at making captions or writing.

Moreover, I just want anyone who's feeling stuck to know that look at your hobbies or how you're working and see if there's anything that you enjoyed or want to remove. For example, I don't mind waitressing and I work in a very low-maintenance restaurant compared to other places and we don't stay open until the wee hours of the morning but I'm going to have to get a second job because I'm just not getting enough hours and I'm worried. So besides working what else is there? I know working for a year isn't a life goal, I don't like not doing anything with my brain or my time. Not that I'm overly smart, but when you're just working and it's the same thing everyday and it's high stress, it depresses you and you feel like, "okay is there more to life than this; is there more life than paying bills?"

If you're reading this

And you don't have a job, you're living at home or maybe you're stuck still in place during this pandemic and you're not able to leave or go to new place. Find something; a hobby, get a new job, step outside your comfort zone and don't lose connection with anyone. I'm very thankful that my boss gave me a chance of serving because I technically wasn't a server at the last few restaurants I worked at but now I have serving experience where I could probably go to a better restaurant in the future. So don't be afraid to speak up if you want something. And try expanding your knowledge and hobbies to see if they could turn them into something more.

Also another dumb update I'll post in an article

I finally lost my virginity and I don't really feel any different I still kind of feel like a virgin (sorry to the guy). The person I was talking to and had my first with is not longer in the picture. I feel like I wasted my time and I'm looking over any conversations or dates we had. I don't think I liked him a lot but he was there at the time. And I'm mentioning this personal part because probably a lot of you are lonely just like I am. I have a few close friends and my family but to have a deeper connection with someone on a romantic level is hard to find not only right now but it has been for a few years for me :/

I feel like I'm not good enough for people and I let it take up space in my head.

I have so much to work on for myself. I need to go back to therapy, I need to think before I speak, calm down and not be so hard on myself. But I'll tell you this, my mom is right about one thing; if you don't like feeling this way you have to change it. I want to but when you've thought about your life and yourself like this for a long time, it is hard to think differently about who are and what you can do. And I'm checking in again (if you've made it this far in this rant and feeling of pity I am in), that I don't know what to do with my life. Really anyone can be a graphic designer, I feel like I wasted money on a degree that I know... I will never no matter how many people try to reassure me was worth it. And I'm also getting tried of repeating stories like the mishaps at work, my degree, talking about failed potential relationships and other bullshit. It's annoying and exhausting. I wonder if people who complain a lot ever get tired of it, because I am. And I want something more for myself. Complaining about things I can't change won't help me for my future or make me feel better about my past. Yet, it's good to vent, let it out then we have to let it go.

I just have to find meaning and take care of my physical and mental health.

~ V

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