Guys, I am not going to lie, I had high expectations, I mean, we all did, right? Freshmen year of college is supposed to change your life: parties, life-long friends, soulmates, ramen noodles, midterms, the list goes on and on. Aren't I supposed to never want to go back home? I want to be completely transparent with you guys. I'm not going to put up some facade that makes me feel better about myself, but rather, write the truth and hopefully, prove that we are all basically living the same life and don't have to feel alone, embarrassed and suicidal. Anyway, long story short, I want to go home. It's not that I hate it here or even that I'm not happy to be here, because I am. I really am happy to be here, and no, I am not trying to convince myself of that, it is the truth. I live in an apartment with three other girls, a cat named Levi, and no adult supervision, like that's awesome. I think it's more a matter of comfort, no, I'm not uncomfortable, but i'm also not entirely comfortable either. It's not that I miss my friends and family so much, but it's also not like I don't wish I had them around. It's a fine line really (shoutout to you, Harry). Anyway, it's weird, I miss my family so much, yet I sometimes ignore their calls. I feel slightly out of place and lonely here, but I don't want to leave. I'm in a state of in-between, I guess. Nothing is this or that. We are all floating in the gray matter waiting for something to happen that paints things black or white. So we can define ourselves, our surroundings, and our personalities. I think that's one of our problems as a society, as humans, we have this desperation to "define" things, to fill in the blanks, and try (emphasis on try) to understand what the hell is going on. That will never work though, no matter how hard we try to force things into place. We define words, but the way we use them is always changing and therefore, their meaning changes. We define laws of science or nature and then a few years later discover something new that rewrites them. We try to figure out who we are, but that is always changing too. We are no one because everyday we live a new day, with new experiences and things to learn. Everyday we wake up a different person, with a new perspective on life. Sometimes it feels slow, like nothing is changing at all, like you wake up only to go back to sleep, but I think things are changing, and getting better everyday. Maybe this is simply a justification for myself, but I have to believe it's true. Instead of rushing toward the next predetermined "milestone" of my life, i'm going to try to appreciate the smaller, less noticed ones, the ones that make us unique, but also relate us in many ways. Wow, this got way more philosophical than I wanted. Next time, I'm going to talk more about my experiences in college/ thus far. Also, disclaimer, i'm literally like three weeks into college and don't know what the f*ck I'm talking about.