To me,

I'm writing this to me, hoping I can express myself better and understand myself better. I haven't spoken to my self properly in ages. 🌸
We all come alone in this world.... And we'll leave this world alone as well. The best thing I can do during my time here. Is make it worthwhile. Do good for the world. By first being good to myself.
By being in a good state of mind, by having good thoughts, by giving good energy, by staying calm, by being peaceful, by learning about my own power. By learning to let go, by being detached yet still completely mindful. By being happy, by being full of joy, by being filled with love. 🌼🕊️
Loving someone taught me, being independent and self sufficient, it taught me patience and being self reliable, it has shown me what freedom means and what loving yourself is. It has taught me how important personal space is and how we can support each other by not even being there physically. Our love has taught me that life is not always easy, not always fair, a love that taught me that every soul is different and that love is accepting the person the way he is. Love usually doesn't teach anyone being more self reliable, but if it does, then that's a rare kind. One that helps me in my personal growth, yeah...maybe that growth came after hurt, pain and struggle, but it's still growth and realisation!

I had fallen in love with him way before he loved me. I didn't know which moment I started loving him and my fondness for him grew. But I know it kept growing while you remained the same. Making me frustrated sometimes, I would want to hold myself back. But I would give in.... In the end.... Always...

I chose him over everything. I could and would do anything for him and expect nothing in return except love and understanding and some respect... I can even go to any place to be by your side, even if I didn't like it, even if I would have to change jobs and move out and wrap up and start again. Coz it didn't matter where I was if you're with me and just support me. I don't even expect anything from you.. I would never nor have I ever asked you to move or change your life or workplace or anything for me. It was just taken for granted that it'll be me who makes difficult choices for you. While you go about your life the way you want.
So I am actually happy that you want me to do as I want. Be where ever I wish to be. Do as I like. Stay where I think it'll be more comfortable. I'm glad you're considerate. I know it's only because you want it this way as well. We're not bound or obligated to each other at this time....
I wonder how it would have been had we been bound by piece of paper! Would it be like this 🍁 I know you would expect that of me. To move with you. To stay by your side. I would do anything for someone I truly loved. Without hesitation. But if you yourself are content being sorrowful, so used to your own solitary life that your actions would push me away again. You chose your work and your solitude over being with me~Not once. Not twice.
But Everytime I'm sure about you and decide that I'll be by your side. Everytime...
When I wanted to propose to you properly (being a female - coz it doesn't matter), But you clearly pushed me away. when I hoped you would knock on that familiar door, come and take me away from all the pain and take me away with you because you loved me. But the door remained shut until I got hard and left..
And when I had given up everything for you because I chose to, because I loved you. Coz I didn't want to be selfish and finally be by your side for good to support you even though I didn't know where you'll be in a few months, even though I knew you moved more aimlessly than I can imagine. I chose to leave my life...the place u liked, my work and my only family(the hardest choice of my life) and the day I wanted to come to you, when I packed up my life and decided to be with you...you finally and very casually said to me your own sweet time that I should just be where I am. And we should keep doing what we are already doing because you care about me. Because you think that it's better to live in a place I'm comfortable in and familiar with at this time before my exam....
I've never been fond of marriages... A piece of paper 📄 or a 💍 that decides and defines love! ¿
Like seriously we all know that's not the definition of love. You pushed me away after u accepted you and wanted to get married despite everything. After you said we should. Maybe it was hard for you too.

There's nothing wrong in wanting to take care of oneself. If the person you love can take care of himself just fine. And wants you to do the same. There's nothing wrong with it .
I would gift myself tulips and roses if I can.
I want to take myself on a solo trip.
I want to give my all in building a successful career for myself.
I want to know myself. My soul. My heart. My mind.
I will give myself time for my own wishes.
I will comfort myself when I'm lonely, leave behind all those sleepless nights and regularise my sleep, take medication or console and talk to my soul. My mind that controls my body. I would throw the storms out of my head and only focus on what I should be doing. I want to give my all to build and further my knowledge.
I want to value myself 🥰 and not be hurt or sad when I feel I'm not needed. Everything in life comes and goes. Nothing, not even life is permanent. See life just like time is fleeting ⌚ and I want this life to be a good one!

Thankyou.

Love
Purbali

@artistdoc_bali
Bali's Online Journal