Disclaimer -- This is just me trying to express smth so it might be a waste of time.
Another one -- English is not my first language so my apologies for any mistakes or confusion.

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I just wanted a place to write some thoughts or I dunno feelings maybe... a place where no one knows me. Cus the other platforms that I normally use I don't feel comfortable with sharing any of my feelings or thoughts on them, because some people there know me. The thought of knowing that someone I know read how I feel or think, just makes me feel a bit weak or maybe scared of being judged or exposed... haah I don't know actually what is it that that I feel !!

That is the thing that made me write this now in the first place (the fact that I can't understand me nor how I feel, it's like my mind hates me and just wants to drown me in endless feelings and thoughts that leads to the destruction of me and not being able to move/think probably/take an action/knowing what I want to do with my life). Which leads to the other struggle if it's the correct term, which is not being useful in life nor to anyone and not being able to support myself and be independent.

I honestly don't know how to express it really, but there is this heavy burden that I always care with me for just the fact that I'm me if this makes any sense. There's always this sadness that keeps walking next to me like my shadow, yea sure sometimes it despairs but not for long and it shows up even darker the next time.

Maybe I'm just not a human material.

-- Sorry if you read this and thought like wtf is this! it's just me trying for the first time to know and describe what I feel/hear inside of my head.