I’m afraid the fear made my heart too cold for one as warm as yours

You opened up, you gave me a glimpse, and I gave you nothing

I couldn’t force my guard down, not even for you

How stupid of me

To still be so scared

Of being honest with someone like you

I lied when I told you I loved you

But I don’t think you did

And that’s what stings the worst of all

Maybe if I lived the life of another

Or if the timing was better

My lies would’ve been truths

And I could’ve had the pleasure of loving you

Maybe I’m conceded

Believing that I was enough to hurt you

As much as I do

But even if I’m wrong

My only thoughts of you since have been apologies

I know I’ll never be brave enough to say.

I guess the loneliness got to me

I was selfish

I knew it wasn’t meant to be

I knew I didn’t feel the same

But I wanted a taste of it anyways

I thought an illusion would be better than nothing

But I was wrong

In the end, the world was greyer than before

I hurt and lost a friend

I hurt and lost you

I could say this was never my intention

I could say it all day long

But the truth is

I knew better

I knew all along

I knew exactly how it’d end

I lodged a knife in your back, and distracted you with roses

I was so tired of feeling nothing

I traded your trust for a second of something

I can’t help but wonder

If you’d still be making me laugh today

If I had even the slightest bit of self control

I was young, and you were too

The years that have passed

Should’ve been enough

For me to accept that some things just can’t be undone

But the guilt still lingers all the same

To be so careless with the heart of a friend

Even if I’ve long since changed

I don’t think the shame will ever fade away

I’ll remember you forever,

And while I want to wish on every star I see that you’ll forget,

I never will--

If only so the memory of me will keep you safe

From the kind of lies I told you

All those years ago

- BNF