It was about March when we were already looking towards the end of what now seems to be a never ending nightmare. Back then, we were scared, we were taken by surprise, confused and uncertain of what was to come. Back then, we got hit by a challenge like no other before. It was not the cancelling of a show, or the end of it, it was not the death of a celebrity, nor it was the breakup of a well known couple. It was the reality which now, was affecting every single person in this world. For the first time in forever, we were all in it together.

To say that 2020 has been the worst year our generation experienced so far would be only fair. Is it as tragic as everything that happened before we were lucky enough to be born? Most certainly not. What seemed so rough for us, staying inside and having free time to entertain ourselves with what internet got to provide lately, back in those days might have been a real blessing.

Of course, for many of us, this break has been welcomed, while other might have found it slightly more difficult due to their extrovert and adventurous personalities. Back then, it seemed like we'll be locked in forever, 2 months seemed an eternity and everything was just getting started. The danger not passed yet, we do what we do best, we get used to it and we... eventually, ignore it. Of course, it happens all the time, take a new material thing for example. There's the excitement of getting it, then the excitement is gone and we're eager to replace it with something new. In our case, we can not just get bored of the pandemic and get over it. Adding to it, the universe also made sure we stay entertained by bringing upon some of us, and the world in general, disaster after disaster...

But I didn't come here to bring up these and settle sadness in a place where we all desperately look to avoid the reality of the situation. As we've done for a long while now. I am here because during this time inside, I've been thinking hard about the fact that I want to exploit my passions, and find new interests. I want to find meaning in simple things and joy in them, not superficially passing them anymore.

In order for you to understand what I mean, let me shortly put it down for you.

Who I am? I have no idea. A young woman who supposedly is just starting to know herself and wants desperately to build the best version of herself. I like to say that I was born in the worst neighborhood, in the worst town, in the worst country. Maybe there's worse but well, this is my perception. I grew up in a modest family, not too rich, not too poor, but we indeed had struggles. And yet, I was offered everything, so I can't say I had a sad childhood.

Things slightly changed however, and for years I tried to deny this hurtful truth because of shame. However, lately, I started to accept it in order for me to be able to move on with my life and be at peace with my past.

I was not a beautiful child, I had no charm, I didn't have that "je ne sais quoi", I wasn't pretty, I wasn't even cute. Or from what I can remember. I was a loved child, more or less. But my father abandoned me and my mother raised me making sure to make up for it all and she did a great job, she did an amazing job, but I still had issues, issues I recently came to accept as well. That as much as I denied that my father leaving didn't affect me, it clearly fucked up my personality, without me even realizing that.

But back to the point. I ended up in a terrible class, with some beautiful girls and some mean boys and that's when the idea that "I am not good enough, and I will never be" started to settle in to the point where, I was just not it. I was shy and unable to stand up for myself, I was constantly trying to fit in and it just didn't work. Young kids are mean, and bullying is part of this world and I am very aware that no one was spared by how mean some can be. And I wasn't either, what upsets me terribly is that I didn't find the strength to move on from it earlier and let it ruin me for probably the most beautiful years of my life when I should've done so much more. But, I know that knowing yourself, accepting yourself and loving yourself is a lifetime journey and I am doing my best to make up for the time passed.

I found my "getaway" in the social world, hidden in my room, constantly on my phone, discovering, learning, writing. A toxic place, I shall say, fandoms, roleplaying, all that stuff represented my hidden world for years and I hardly managed to find my way out in the reality again. Luckily somehow, I managed.

Due to my shyness, my anxiety and fear of speaking out and introducing myself and so on, first year of high school has been awful and to speak the truth, I think it's a good reason for my classmates to think that they can take me for granted and just, talk shit and be mean... we never really grew up, did we? When even now, after finishing high school and college and so on, they'd be still bullying certain classmates on group chats which I just consider so low and pathetic. But we'll get to that later.

I feel like now I am shortly saying my story when no one asked for it but, I love writing and in order to go further and share my thoughts and my ideas and everything, I need to tell my story as it is so it all will make a bit more sense.

I never looked for trouble, I never answered back, I never bothered to change the way I was and that's something I regret up to this day. Just not thinking to do that earlier. I eventually made a small group of friends and they were amazing and I guess that's when things actually started to get better for me. I kept meeting people, I kept talking and I came up to realize I was pretty alright as a person.

If by general school, I only tried to work on my looks and not my personality, well believe me, for now that was paying off. I started to know what I like, to become interested in beauty and feminism and just do my best, I can say, puberty worked pretty well for me up to this point.

Due to my insecure personality, I ended up having a boyfriend just in 11th grade and it was epic. Like I was bossing up for real and started to know more and more people and actually figure out that... I was actually pretty. It's been some nice years, with unfortunate events here and there but all in all, I made it through it.

I ended up things with my boyfriend by the time I finished high school and there was a lot going on. That experience has been quite new to me. But I managed to learn about myself that I was very, extremely, emotional. I was dramatic and the thought of losing people was scaring the shit out of me. Because I was hardly getting attached, but then I was getting dependent and it sucks. I learned later that it's in human nature and nothing I was doing, I was to be blamed for. "If it hurts you, it hurts you, periodt."

That summer I managed to accomplish some other things though, I got in college, I was having my supportive friends and I was ready for a new journey.

Now, to be clear, no one ever told me this way but for some obvious reason, I grew up hating my hometown with a burning passion. I hated my school, and I definitely hated my high school and if I was to be able to deny them from my past, and neglect the fact that I even was here well, be sure I would. But for now, all I can do is, never talk about it and try to stay away as much as possible. Which, with the pandemic going on, has only made things worse for my mental health.

But back to it, the city I was going in for College was way bigger with way newer people. To be able to get away from a place where everyone knew everyone's life has been a blessing and it's been exactly what I needed. Everything was on point, and I thought it's all perfect till things changed a little bit and ghosts from the past came back.

Piece of advice. Do not share your friends, always keep someone yours and don't try to be the nice person and please everyone and bring people together and see everyone happy because at the end of the day, you'll be the fool.

In my relationship me and my boyfriend, kids as you could see, built a whole family. His friends were my friends but eventually his friends. My friends were his friends and eventually... no one's friends. With the drama placed on the table and with us literally solving our problems together with our friends, no one could handle me anymore and I ended up being left alone, and blamed by my own people, and ruin some great friendships.

I believe it all happens for a reason: we were young and dumb and looking back now, splitting with those people was pretty inevitable as they turned out to be pretty toxic and well, nothing great turned out of them.

So with all that I was focusing on popping my first year in college and was doing pretty well. Being in dorm in your first college year was definitely a "YES'. We were 5 gorgeous girls who loved to party and make the best of it and I shall say it was a great year. And guess what, I figured I was even prettier than I thought.

By this time I was really getting into makeup and all, my love for beauty and fashion grew and I was doing amazing. But friendship between girls... they just... it's hard. So by the end of the year, the fantasy was over and I was ready to start all over again.

That summer, awful tho. Back in my hometown to realize there was nothing left for me there, I was struggling with loneliness and sadness and nostalgia. And as if it wasn't enough, by the end of it, I got, for the first time in my life, acne problems which really put me down but well, at least I had an excuse to be locked inside and yeah...

After the shock and all the challenges I had going on, I returned to college for the second year, on my way to healing my extremely ugly face and when it happened I got crazy all again. In order for you to understand, clubbing was a never a thing for me back in my hometown but in the big city, I was out 5 nights out of 7. If the first year the roommates were amazing well, it all got ruined in the second year as they were just... boring. Periodt. That's when I started to get involved and keep myself busy and let me tell you, it was the best thing I ever did.

However, me being me and for some reason, not liking involving myself 100% and actually make something right, I ended up in like 3 different organizations and let me tell you, I wasn't giving 100% and that's not ok. I was helping out, I was known cause I was present but... I was not standing out and what you wanna do is stand out because people are supportive and are welcoming and I was scared that it's not that way and even though I entered all of these in order to work on myself, to this day I just don't do well with being a leader and I don't know how I feel about it. So, do voluntary work, get involved, meet people, created connections and most importantly be 100% in something, don't be here and there because no one will actually recognize you as their own and it's in your disadvantage.

But it's been a lovely experience and I am super glad for it. And things were just getting better. I got closer to this old colleague from high school. Let me tell you something, by the time I entered college I knew I am more of an introvert and I came at peace with that, like I knew I can't just be comfortable with everyone and for good reason. And introvert needs an extrovert to adopt her, and this girl, this girl was it. We had so much fun that year, we were partying and meeting guys and stuff and were all day together. She was such a good friend and we were doing amazing. But hm, do not do that. Do not settle your whole life around someone else because they are not going to be there forever. This girl left in another country, so basically my best friend left and I was just... alone and confused and it sucked.

But until she left, I left first to my best summer ever. And here's a lesson and here's what I wanna work on. I left for USA and in order for you to understand: USA is everything for me, like USA is my dream place and to finally be there was pure joy. I was just a normal girl in that big ass country with a lot of new mentalities and so on and I was enjoying it all, like I was made for it. So summer 2019, was my best summer ever. I was hustling my ass off, I was making money, i was working so hard for them papers and I will stop right here. There are many part of social media and because I am who I am, my favorite zone is the one where people are posing in rich mansions, on boats, in restaurants, wearing suits and dresses and watches and holding a lot of money. Where ladies are perfectly shaped and all plastic, flashing in expensive cars. That's the superficiality our current world deals with and I fell in the trap, ending up to be all about money. Money are important, luxury is important and all that indeed is making your life more enjoyable and easier. But from understanding that to thinking that you're capable to go and do anything for money, like being comfortable selling your body and stuff like that. It's not what it needs to be... That's why I realized that I wanna be more.

When I left USA and I came back to less, I fell in a deep depression and I avoided a lot, I lost a lot, I stopped talking to people and trying to do things and I wish I've done better in my last year because not for a second I thought I won't be properly graduating and so on... As I was getting back on track I found myself entering the pandemic and everything fell apart.

I felt like this whole time inside, even though I was busy with exams and thesis I didn't find time to do new things or work on old things that I used to love and that's why I want to do this now. I know my ideas are all over the place, I have a lot to share and there are things popping up into my mind all the time and I have to write them before I forget them and I wanna say it all. Without holding back, I wanna put my thoughts and experiences down. Advice, tell, help, share and who knows...

So as I am in for this journey... please feel free to read some of it and take a look inside my life as I was completely and utterly honest.

From an anonymous.