It could be summer and this warm weather that I hate so much.
It could be our actual political climate, reminding me of how people sometimes blatantly refuse to do better in order to move forward.
Or it could be the painfully loud silence reigning in my house right now.
Whatever the reason may be, I feel pretty lost at the moment. I think I’ve been feeling lost for a while actually. I haven’t had any worthwhile ideas to develop into an article lately, so I decided to just talk about my current feelings and hopefully bring you some comfort, in case you might be feeling the same. I apologize in advance if this article is kind of all over the place: it’s mostly gonna be me rambling about how I’ve been, and my feelings sometimes contradict themselves. But I’ll try to make it as organized as possible.

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To explain myself a bit more, I think what I am currently feeling is loneliness. Some anger too, which is pretty unusual by the way. I pride myself on being a calm, not quick to anger type of person, but the truth is I’m just very good at repressing it. If you are too, please, stop bottling everything up to prevent your problems from hurting people other than yourself. Or in fear they might not be able to understand/help you.

You see, I used to spend a lot of time alone. It feels right to be alone sometimes, you just need it. If you’re not comfortable around yourself, how are you gonna be comfortable around other people ? But lately I avoid being by myself and I try to go out as much as I can. I don’t like being alone anymore.
I thought I was getting better but every summer without fail, I feel incredibly lost. My birthday feels strangely insignificant. Like a pointless celebration, as if it wasn’t really about me. Besides, what is there to celebrate ? Time passes so quickly… but my goals seem to take so long to be achieved.

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I’m just feeling empty. I have all this time to fill and all those things to do but I can’t seem to move. I realized the other day I almost never cry. I miss people and learning new things. I miss college and spending hours in public transports, drowning in the constant noise. I think I haven’t had a true moment of calm with someone I love in a very long time. A pause. I hope my holidays are going to feel like that, although life has a funny way to turn things around.

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I’ve been thinking about the past too. How I’ve spent last New Year’s Eve alone at home. How I walked into the kitchen that night and I suddenly began crying for no reason. I’m thinking of a friend who probably—definitely— hates me now. About my parents to who I feel practically no connection anymore. And my best friend that I haven’t seen in over a year. Missing someone is probably one of the worst feelings there is; all your emotions are directed towards this person and yet you can’t even physically be with them.

And then, there’s the anger: I hate that my emotions can never be perfectly transcribed with words. I hate that I have no one to hold in my arms. I hate that I can’t be vulnerable around my friends. I hate waking up late and always missing the morning. I hate when people dismiss my dreams and put so many expectations on me. I hate that I never am exactly the way I want to be. I hate the way my voice sounds on recordings. I hate that I don’t have a lot of things to love. Basically, I hate the way I’ve been feeling these days.

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Luckily, it’s not all bad. The good news is you won’t feel like that forever. Everything passes. You just have to stay on track, not give up, trust that one day you’ll wake up and feel a ton better (but you won’t get there if you’re not willing to). Personally, I like to make lists of everything I want to do, to have goals to reach. So I can project myself into a slightly less blurry future.

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But sometimes it doesn’t feel like there’s any solution, right ? Sometimes all you gotta do is feel bad, until you don’t anymore. Let it pass, take deep breaths. What you shouldn’t do however, is deny that you’re struggling and try to convince yourself you’re okay. It’s not gonna get easier if you keep pretending. I guess what I’m trying to say is: feeling lost is absolutely normal.

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So yeah, that’s how I feel. I don’t really know where I am going with this but I know I usually feel a tiny bit better after getting it all out. Remember it’s never permanent. And these feelings are as valid to have as the happy ones.

That’s it for this article, thanks for reading🌟

See you next Thursday
-Sophie