Fear can impede us from truly living our lives.

Anxiety can stem from fear. Personally a lot of my anxiety comes from being afraid. For most of my life I allowed my anxiety to control every aspect of my life. I grew up with anxiety, I've had it for as long as I can remember. I used to have multiple panic attacks per day and at the time I was so young I didn't understand how to cope, how to calm myself down, what was even triggering me.

I look back now and I think it's because my feelings felt so repressed. I never knew how to express in a healthy way, mainly because most of the time I didn't even know what I was feeling so the fear of not knowing how I was feeling sparked responses in my body and in my mind and I would be thrown into a panic.

A lot of my fear comes from being hurt, mentally and physically. Rejection is a huge one. The fear of rejection has kept me from saying how I feel, towards life and towards others. The fear of being hurt has kept from traveling, driving distances, going to outings and just experiencing life in general. I would rather feel stuck than the (illogical) potential of getting hurt or even experiencing life.

In 2017, I began to feel stuck, my depression and anxiety at all time high. I was angry all the time for no reason, frustrated and unsatisfied. Finally, after not receiving the promotion I was working hard to get - I did the unthinkable - I applied to film school and got ACCEPTED.

I have always loved film. It saved me. I always wanted to be an actor, since I was a child and I was making full fledged movies with my cousin and making vlogs on YouTube before making vlogs on YouTube was a career. (Sans Shane Dawson and Jenna Marbles. But it was more unheard of than it is now.)

I was so anxious my first train ride to the big city. I was anxious for my first month, hardly talking to anyone and being so afraid to act infront of others. That was my first time I looked my anxiety in the face and said "Fuck you, I control you. You don't control me." Though I said that for the minor, I still allowed fear and anxiety to keep me from doing other things, expressing how I feel (That also has to do with my toxic relationship, mentioned in my first post) but still caused me a new anxiety.

A week or so ago, I expressed how I felt towards someone and when it wasn't reciprocated immediately the way I had hoped for, I all of a sudden felt a rush of anxiety and wanting to run and flee. I felt uncomfortable and I wanted to just cease ties, never speak to them again. I was AFRAID. I feared that rejection and all my fears were coming true. So, I allowed myself to sit in the uncomfort, I allowed myself to feel everything I was feeling. We talked about the situation. I realized that it had nothing to do with who I was, he cares about me as a friend, as a person, just not the exact way I am currently feeling. I realized that's okay. It's not personal.

The initial thought of making myself vulnerable scared me. Because for the past few years, I've put up a bit of a front to protect myself, so to have all my walls down was terrifying but I did it and I survived. and that's when I began to realize, fuck fear. I'm tired of fearing the unknown because amazing things could happen but if we're too scared to try - then they definitely won't happen.

I lived my whole life with the "but what about all the bad things that could happen." however, now I'm going to have the mentality of "But what about all the good things that could happen." Like how Film School changed my life. So much bad could have happened, and trust me, my brain thought of all of it - but what ended up happening was also a lot of good. I am following my dreams because I said "fuck fear." and I say "fuck fear" before every audition, and I just go for it. I say "fuck fear" before I express full heartedly how I'm feeling to ANYONE.

Life is scary, but it doesn't have to be and you don't need to let fear keep you from living a fulfilling life. As Will Smith said,

"If you can't beat the fear, just do it scared."

I will be living by this for the rest of my life.

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