Working On Myself.

For the past six years, I've been actively working on becoming a better person. A Person I can be happy with, proud to be and most importantly someone who I want to live with. For the first 5.5 years I just wanted to be a good person, especially to others. I figured that if I was good to others, in turn, I would be happy. So, that's where I started. I stopped involving myself in drama, I stopped vocalizing my opinions on others when they're not asked for. I stopped being mean for no reason. While all of these are great things to do, I still wasn't working on myself at the core.

I always knew I had codependency issues, but I didn't really understand completely what codependency was. I thought it was only the fact of needing to be in a relationship because I needed that outside validation. So, since I was fourteen, I've had a "relationship addiction." I always looked to partners, friends, etc. to make me feel valid, worthy and my purpose I felt was to fix people. This could be further from the truth. The truth about codependency is that codependents can either be extremely clingy to others because they're fear abandonment (myself, I am on this spectrum of codependency) or the opposite side is being extremely distant and pushing others away because they fear abandonment. It's really two sides of the same coin. This is just two examples of traits of codependency, however I will write a separate post about codependency.

Due to my low self esteem, lack of feeling self worth and self love - I often validated my feelings of inadequacy by always making self-deprecating jokes, and speaking/thinking badly about myself. I continually dated guys who were mean to me, but I cannot just blame them as it's also my fault for allowing them to treat me that way, by staying and enabling. I also tended to go for people who were also struggling greatly with their own mental health thus we were enabling each other by supporting each others toxicity. It's a very awful cycle that unfortunately many people do not break for their whole lives.

In post secondary school I got myself into one of my most toxic relationships. He had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. I would express my feelings/emotions in ways that were open for communication and any time I would express any kind of emotion other than happiness, I was told I was being "crazy." Whenever I talked about my day or how I'm feeling, about my interests and about anything that happened to me, I would watch his eye glaze over and know that I wasn't being listened to and on multiple occasions I was told "When you say something interesting I'll actually give a fuck about what you're saying." I never had a say, I always had to do what he wanted to do or else we wouldn't hang out, he had tinder throughout our whole relationship and was actively swiping, I was treated like "a woman" by being told I need to cook, clean and have sex whenever he wanted. Our sexual experiences became forced and I was not allowed to move or participate, I was made to just lay there and take it. Finally, one day I began to cry because I really didn't want to have sex, and it began to feel like the past where I was guilted into having sex. He became angry that I was upset and ended up leaving. Leaving me to cry and be left alone. Whenever I would be upset and talking about my feelings, he would just be checking himself out in the mirror and every time I disagreed he threatened to break up with me.

This relationship left me feeling, uninteresting, unattractive, unwanted, uncared for. He would rarely kiss me, never hold my hand, never cuddle, never feel intimacy. Eventually we broke up because I went to the beach with some friends without him. He broke up with me over text after being together for a year. I spent a whole year of my life tending to this man.

On new years I was so sick I could barely stand, almost throwing up etc. He made me make drinks for our friends and made me go home at the end of the night because he didn't want me to vomit at his house, even though vomiting scares the hell out of me, so I was an anxious, sick mess, who had to go home alone because he didn't want to "Deal with me." YET, a week later when he was just as sick as I, he made me go out and get him medicine and make him food etc.

Granted there was some good times, but barely in comparison to the bad times. As soon as he broke up with me, he immediately regretted it and tried to get me back - when I OBVIOUSLY said no because I began reflecting on how badly he treated me and when he broke up with me, it actually felt like a breath of fresh air, he was so shocked that I said no and immediately began to vilianize me to our peers and his family. I was ostracized by many that I called friends because of a narrative he so clearly fed to them about me being horrid, even though all I did was feel things, and express how he was treating me.

For a long time, I never wanted to say a bad thing about him and would justify his shitty behavior because "he had a hard life." but the truth of the matter is, no matter what kind of life you've had, no matter how much you've been hurt and no matter how much shit life throws your way - that does not give you the right to bring down those who love you (or anyone in general.) You fix yourself, you work on yourself, you overcome those obstacles so that you do not dump that on everyone around you.

After that, I thought it would be a great idea to hop into yet another relationship. This time with someone who I cared about and cared about me for the past four years. It was going great, we rarely fought and when we did we were able to communicate the problems, where we went wrong and what we can do for next time. & it ended abruptly and out of nowhere. It completely side blinded me because I genuinely thought I was going to marry this man. In hindsight, I've realized that I was bringing a lot of my feelings, emotions and issues from my previous relationship into my new one. I wasn't fully expressing myself with fear of being called crazy so in turn it was actually making me crazy - he too has had a rough past and had things to work on and hadn't, so in conclusion - we just weren't going to work out because we both, as individuals have things we need to work on.

I spent the past couple months being depressed and that's when I realized that I need to stay single, I need to deep dive into my soul and find out why I am the way that I am. I realized so many things that I never would have if I had jumped into another relationship immediately after that one.

I've only recently come to terms with how much my ex prior had fucked me. How he tore down my confidence, my independence and my attitude towards life. So with this time I've spent by myself, I've learned a lot about codependency, I've learned about boundaries, my person boundaries and how to set them and not allow people to disrespect my boundaries, I'm learning to not speak badly about myself - even if I'm joking because my brain and my body doesn't actually know the difference, it just hears the negativity and deems it as true. I realized that I am a people pleaser and though that sounds like a good thing, that is far from the truth. I say "no" to myself when I do things I don't want to do to appease others. I lived a miserable existence by holding onto my past, not being able to let go and remaining bitter about so many things. When the reality is that so many things are going to happen in life and I need to let go to be free.

I have come a long way in the past 4.5 months, and I still have so much further to go. But when I look back at who I was 6 years ago, I am a completely new person. I am a happier person, I am a more authentic person, I am in such a good place. and Yes, it's been difficult, yes I've cried myself to sleep more than ever, yes, some days I don't want to get out of bed. But I never stop self reflecting, I never stop pushing, I never stop working on myself and I will never give up. The cycle stops with me.

One day I will have the relationship I've always dreamed of with the partner I've always wanted but until I can be the person I've always dreamed of, the partner I've always dreamed of being - that won't happen. But, I am working towards being happy alone & it's a long, hard journey. But the pay off has been fantastic.