the space

i love you. i just wanted to remind you that i do.

and that is the text i wanted to send you today, 6/4/20 at 1.00 am. because you said you wanted space, i'm trying to give it to you ergo won't send it. but you know, you make it too fucking hard. i think about you 24/7, i miss you 24/7 and i'm reminded every single fucked up second of my day that i love you. there are days when i consider whether we should break-up, maybe the pain would be gone. then at night i don't want to know how it would feel like living every day without your kisses and hugs, without those little things that you do like turn me around just to hug me from behind and also the look in your eyes when you look at me. god how i miss that look. it always drove me crazy and deeper and deeper in love with you.

when i fall asleep i wish to dream of you, when i go with my friends i wish we'd bump into you, when i'm eating dinner i wish it was made by you and eaten by us awhile sitting on your couch watching tv. now that i haven't seen you in a while i wish i would have held your hand more. wish i would have hugged you more. wish we would have gone on dates more. wish we would have played videogames more while i was sitting on your lap.

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all i'm saying is that i want you to miss me as bad as i miss you. i won't ever tell you how many times i've cried over missing you over these past few weeks. i can not and will not say this to you because you probably wouldn't reply, and the idea of it is shattering me right at this moment, but i miss you and i want you to come back to me, please..

the break-up

this day, 7/6/20, was a mess. a fucking big a$$ mess. i never want to go through anything like this again but i know that i will. there will be days when i break up with someone and i'll be left by someone. i hope that they won't resemble this one. it's harsh to find out that they had fallen out of love. you just feel empty inside. sad and empty. you were willing to give that person all your love and he just simply wasn't going to do the same for you anymore.

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i loved you. and i saw and heard you say that you loved me too. still you go and leave me like this. leave me when i missed you the most. leave me because you were afraid of commitment. after a fucking year of having a relationship with me. i fucking hate you for meeting me. for making me fall in love with you. for packing my things before we even decided to break up. for all the good and happy memories we had. for making me feel loved and full. i hate you.

all those feelings and memories in my head i still can't bare the thought of never seeing you and feeling happy. the thought of never getting to sleep next to you with my hand on your chest. the thought of never waking up next to you. i hate you for everything you made me feel. i fucking hate you. you... just fuck you.

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why'd you do that to me? why did you have to make me feel these things and then leave me aching to feel those things again? i hate you for making me live inside a bubble where everything was glorious and unforgettable and then blowing that shit up on my face. i hate you for teaching me things that later in life will help me and make me remember you. i hate you for ruining an entire city for me just because you happened to live there.

i love you, i miss you and i ache for you to come back and hug me. but i know that if i would've allowed one last hug, this all would be hurting a shitload more. i still want you and for these couple of weeks or even months i'll still be holding on to those memories and have struggles forgetting them. even though i'm hanging on to those memories we have i'll know that you aren't. you said you had gotten afraid of commitment and to me it sounded like you fell out of love. you didn't love me enough to fight for us and a part of me was damaged as that thought went through my mind. it kills me to look at the photos of us because you look so happy in them and like you love me. and then realizing that you dumped me for the lack of trying and fear of commitment. that is what hurt me the most. that is why i believe i'll be crying to every night for the next week until too numb to do it. i loved you with almost all of my heart and you threw it away because you got bored.

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the dreams

i understand now. i've always wanted and wished to understand it but now that i do, i don't know if i regret the things i did to understand it. all those love songs, they were the ones that i wanted to understand and feel the lyrics. i did, for a whole year. then this one week i started to understand the heartbreak songs. i didn't want that, i wanted the love songs. i wanted the life all those words put into my head. a husband and children to come home to. a husband who loves me unconditionally and is all mine. children that are the little sparks of joy in my life that keep me going to work and giving them all my love. though that may come true some day and every heartbreak will get me more near, i just wished that i'd be the girl who loved once and lingered in that love her whole life.

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i know it'll be alright in the end. i just hope that it wouldn't hurt this much to let go. to accept that i gave myself to someone. i let him see me. all of me. i just have to accept that i just wasn't enough. i know it's going to be so fucking hard to feel all of those emotions again, the love, the happiness, the blissfulness and the feeling of safety, and not wait for the rejection waiting for me at the finish line. but yeah... to whom ever is reading this, i hope you won't ever feel the way that i feel right now. i want you to feel all the love and happiness, everything. but not the pain, because it truly is something no one should be going through. at least not alone like me :)

those were my experiences of the back side love that they never tell you. at least not at first ;)

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.