２７ｔｈ ｊｕｌｙ，２０２０．
─ firstly before i get into this article i just want to say this is i'm in no way sending hate to kpop. since i am a kpop stan this is just my story. i will hopefully open your eyes about the bad influence kpop has on their fans. it doesn't mean you should stop listening to kpop or whatever i'm just sharing my story.
✦ TW: STARVING,EATING,PANIC ATTACKS,DIZZINESS ✦
› i'd like to start of with saying that before kpop i never really payed much attention to my body,stomach or anything about my weight. it didn't really matter to me and i didn't focus on it much but i did work out. since i'm 178cm tall my weight isn't noticeable so everybody just assumed that i'm thin.
› it all started in 2018 when i started being a kpop stan. i was so amazed with female idols bodies and it started to make an influence on me. seeing how skinny and pretty they are made me want to be like that. since time went on in 2018 i started to force myself to diet more and more but it was unhealthy. i was 13 so i didn't really know much about diets. so i pretty much crashed my diets after less than 3-4 days and fail. i started hating my body more and more. i started working out too but it all felt so forced. i started getting so sad about my body and would always check myself in the mirror. there were times when i would just sit and cry while looking at my stomach. i became so hateful to myself and started getting panic attacks. i also noticed myself staring at other peoples bodies and giving my opinions on it in my head. through all this time i was " dieting ", i was failing hard. i opened up to my friends about it and cried in front of them because i got fat shamed by our PE teacher which i'll still remember to this day. 2018 passed and i finished that year with feeling bad about myself.
› so in 2018 i developed panic attacks,starving on force but still failed,forcing myself to work out,self consciousness.
› 2019 came and i continued doing the same. my panic attacks weren't as bad but i still had so much hate for my body. except in 2019 i kinda managed to go on with dieting and there was only a bit of result. all 2019 i worked out but i still struggled with motivation for it. i felt as if i was doing it by force. i couldn't stop checking the mirror and how my body looks,especially my stomach. in this year i starved myself more, one day my stomach would be so flat then the next day it would be huge. it wasn't healthy for me at all. then my panic attacks came back and i started getting dizziness. one day, when i was in school on my last class the classroom turned upside down. since i barely ate that day i knew it was because of it. the teacher brought me home and i didn't go to school the next day. it was all because i wanted my body to be thin and i wanted to be skinny. i still refused to eat, i didn't want to because i was afraid that i'll gain even more weight. by the ending of 2019 i noticed how thinner i looked and there were days where i was worried for my body and health, there are still days where i worry.
› so in 2019 basically i only starved more,got my panic attacks again,got dizziness every day and i still didn't like my body.
› and now here we are in 2020. this year has to be the best year so far for me, with many things going on in my life i'm way happier with my body now. i'm still dieting and living a better life. i do not starve myself anymore and i work out daily. i workout everyday and i grew to love working out. now i notice how my arms are more boney, my collar bone is way more noticeable,my legs are thinner and boney, my stomach is smaller,even my jawline is more noticeable. yes i do worry and i still am worried about my body and health but i think it's okay. i don't panic that much anymore but i do get dizziness but it's mostly just a habit to think that. i learned how to control my diet and it's way easier now. there's not one day that goes by where i don't go to the mirror to check my stomach and how i look. that's the habit i developed these 2 years that's probably never going to go away. i still don't like my body in total but it's better than it used to be. i still am influenced by female idols and their bodies which is why i still plan on dieting and working out even harder.
› in 2020 i'm a bit happier with how i look, i don't starve myself,i still get dizziness,i don't starve myself but i diet,i still am afraid of gaining weight,i still check my body in the mirror.
› the results of this is basically that i developed anorexia that i did have before, i developed self hate for myself,i developed anxiety,panic attacks,i ruined my health,became self conscious. but i still keep going with it because i want to look skinny and be happy with myself.
› i did get skinnier i admit, this year when i tried on my clothes from 2018 and 2019 everything was big on me. nothing fits right on me, it's too baggy or it keeps falling down. that's something that i wanted but it's also something that makes me worried.
› right now i'm eating way healthier and working out. i don't absolutely hate my body but i also don't love it. i still plan continuing with my diet and this life style.
› moral of the story is, if you're self conscious and if you want to be skinny like female idols that you're influenced by please DON'T starve,under eat,not eat or whatever. just eat healthier and have a positive mind set. i'm speaking from experience and i wish you the best. i hope none of you go through what i did in these past 2 years. love yourself. please.
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kpop spam account: https://www.instagram.com/imhanisgf/
my personal: https://www.instagram.com/dediichana/
my twitter: https://twitter.com/luv4ahn
