"Goodnight, sweet pie" it's what I tell myself everynight at bed when i'm going to sleep, because i know that the next day, i'll be able to eat something again.

I have to say that i been feeling more down and a piece of darkness's building again inside my head, reaching more and more space just like a wave gets it's place in the shore.

everyone is chocked with my weight lost, but i really don't see it's enough, or even that i'm skinny. They're calling me "dry" because my bones, but it only makes me happier.

when i said today at my dad's birthday "oh i ate too much", my bf said "oh but you won't gain weight if you ate only 1200cal, don't you worry" and i knew i was pretending i'm eating this amount of calories but actually most days ain't even half of it. It's really heavy to say the true, to really say how much i've been starving and what i think about it.

I'm a control freak maybe, cause i literally can't eat anything without worries (not even a fruit or a piece of meat that's considered health), and i acknowledge i'm hurting for things i can't even explain on another areas as well. i have never studed this much, i have never been more responsible with my image or my money, and i can't rest, i can't breathe, it's never enough, everything always need more, the future is always coming.

People will never understand me, even if they love me. they won't understand anorexia, what i feel, what i see, they just think it is weird and that i should change. i can't change.

i'm really worried when people say my lilttle brother's chubby, because i love him as he is and i think it's a lot better to be chubby than to be like me, i don't want him to be like me.

Also, now i always eat in front of people, so they think i'm always eating something and that i'm better... everytime i'm going to lunch i sit on the sofa and just eat with my family. if i eat alone, they don't believe i did eat, it's better if they feel good about it.