Hey everyone! This is part of a new series called "another lifetime" where I write about things that I daydream about or things that happended to me in reality, partly as a way to process real events. Of course I've changed the details, and most importantly, the names. But the main story line is still true. Have fun reading!

disco ball image party and night image

It was a goddamn highschool party. Drunk people, the smell of cheap alcohol that someone's older brother bought mixed with sweat and smoke. It was hazy in the living room of the house. Framed pictures on the wall and expensive looking vases on the shelves, and in between people lounging on the couches or standing in groups with drinks in their hands. Their laughter sounded muffled as I stumbled through the room, more tipsy than I liked to admit.

All of a sudden I felt a hand grab my arm. I swiftly turned around and almost stepped on Matt's feet. He pulled me close and I could make out that he whispered "can we talk for a moment" by staring at his lips. The music was loud enough that I felt the bass like a punch in my gut.
I nodded and followed him.
The cold air hit me like a truck and I almost felt sober again. We sat down in the darkness on the steps that lead to the front door and I could only make out his silhouette.
I was kind of glad that we couldn't see each other's expressions as he whispered "I've gotta tell you a secret".
The butterflies in my stomach turned into one million little ants, excitement turned into slight panic and my first thought went to Tom.
Where was he? We had come here as a group of three, Matt, Tom and Me, as so often since we first met in fifth grade. We had become practically inseparable. Other girls had a best girlfriend, I had those two guys.
It felt weird to be out here alone with Matt as he stared at me, waiting for my response. Time froze for a while and my mind went blank.
"I've felt this way for a long time, and I wanted to tell you for forever, Hannah.".
I knew it. I knew exactly where this was going. A wave of nausea hit me. It was like my worst nightmare coming true. There was no going back now.
"I've loved you ever since we met.".
Matt turned around, almost shy and embarrassed by what he just said.
There was a lump forming in my throat.
"I know", I answered after an eternity of staring out at the street.
"I just don't know how to feel about it, we can talk tomorrow, ok?".
He nodded.
I stood up and went inside. I didn't even notice how much I was shivering until I entered the bathroom.
What was Tom going to say if I told him? I had to sit down on the edge of the bathtub. The shampoo bottles stared back at me as my mind went in circles. A knocking on the door brought me back into reality.
"I'll be out in a minute!", I answered and hoped they didn't notice my shaky voice.
Splashing cold water onto my cheeks (carefully so I didn't ruin my mascara) helped a little.
I went from the bathroom straight back to the living room. In the ideal case there were enough people to hide me from Matt for a little while. I just couldn't face him right now.
"Hey, Hannah, what's wrong?".
When I turned around I was staring directly into Tom's face.
"Uh, nothing, I'm just a little bit too drunk.", I tried to play it of.
"Well, you look just like you've seen a ghost.".
"Maybe I'm starting to hallucinate, you know, the alcohol...".
He poked my chest.
"Don't make jokes like that. I'm concerned about you.".
"Don't worry, I'm just fine.".
I still felt like throwing up but I didn't mention it to him. Too much to explain.
"Can we go outside for a minute? I need to talk to you.".
It was almost comical and I had to hold back a cynical laugh.
"Of course".
He lead me to those same stairs where I just sat with Matt fifteen minutes ago.
And as if some higher being just wanted to frick with me he used almost the exact same words. I nodded and responded in the same way I had with Matt. My mind just turned off, it was too much to process, and I didn't even want to think of the consequences of tonight.
I excused myself to the bathroom again, pulled my phone out and called my dad. It was almost one in the morning, but this qualified as an emergency. My trembling voice helped convincing my dad that I was feeling sick and needed to get picked up immediatly.
We didn't speak a word during the car ride. I was grateful for not having to explain anything and my dad was probably fuming mad.

The next day was a sunday. I didn't even look at my phone once in fear of any messages from Matt or Tom.
Watching movies or doing homework kept me busy. It kept dooming on me that our friendship would never be the same. I was caught in the middle with no way out. Both expected more of me than I could give them and the worst thing: no matter what I did, I would destroy any bond between the two boys.
Day turned into evening turned into night and I was still sitting on my couch staring out of the window, indulging in the candy I kept in the drawer for when I was sad.
And I wasn't just sad. I was devastated.
When morning came I hadn't slept an hour, but while lying awake I had made my decision.
When I opened my messenger two "Hi"s popped up. I decided to tell Matt first, he was the first who confessed. I could later copy the text and send it to Tom. That way I didn't have to go through the heartbreaking process of writing that stupid message a second time.
It felt like a breakup, even though I hadn't been together with anyone. It was a breakup of something even more special. I had just broken the bond we had formed over five years.