๐’ฝโ„ฏ๐“๐“โ„ด.
โŒข : โ™ก โคน ใƒ ๏พŸdear readers, there's a slim chance that we know each other which probably means there's a slim chance of you not caring about what goes in my life whatsoever but i need this short story to be heard before i turn seventeen years young.

nobody lives the same life, so our experiences of being sixteen may differ, but let's face the ugly truth ; it's not as exciting as the number is portrayed in coming of age movies. for me, a romani girl who is struggling with sexuality and doubts herself constantly, it hasn't been the best year and you're going to find out why.

i wanted to create this article before my birthday, just to show you that i'm not the same person as 364 days ago. there is a meaning behind all of this, especially to teenage girls who are around my age and young adults.

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๐Ÿ. ๐‰๐”๐‹๐˜ (2019)
๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ถ๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ฅ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ข๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ

quotes, aesthetic, and beach image hair, flowers, and hairstyle image
this was the month where i truly felt pure happiness and not the kind that lasts for a day and everything returns to normal the next. almost everyday, i was surrounded by the people i loved and confident with my image but on the other hand, there was a ticking stress bomb ready to explode inside of me because community college awaited. it was an entire new environment with so many strangers and i had to act like there were no nerves whatsoever.

๐Ÿ. ๐€๐”๐†๐”๐’๐“ (2019)
๐˜ด๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฑ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ

quotes, mirror, and aesthetic image Image by Marรญa Serrano
something unexpected happened, and the unexpected had a tan, dark hair and a silly sense of humour ; my second ex boyfriend who was an old book i couldn't put down or my favourite romance movie i watched on repeat. here, i will be referring to him as 'angel' which kind of makes sense if you knew his name. we broke up due to bad timing in february of that same year but my liking towards him hit me like an oncoming truck. my precious friends told me not to go there and i really should've followed their advice.

๐Ÿ‘. ๐’๐„๐๐“๐„๐Œ๐๐„๐‘
๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ง๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ๐˜ด

book, aesthetic, and library image autumn, house, and aesthetic image
there i was, a fresh community college student who had to use a map for the first week and only spoke to one person being my best friend. the company of other classmates sucked because i already knew how nasty they could be, although i really wanted to improve my popularity. that was more important to me than grades at the time and when looking back, i give myself a mental kick for not organizing my priorities.

๐Ÿ’. ๐Ž๐‚๐“๐Ž๐๐„๐‘
๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฑ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ข ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ค๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ด

aesthetic, OC, and skin image aesthetic, hands, and soft image
is forbidden romance on the list? yes, of course it is. starting a secret relationship without nobody knowing was exciting and believe it or not, felt so much better when we kept it on the low. eventually, our burning flame would be put out as i come clean to my friends about angel, and they were not nice or easy on him at all. what remained was wisps of strong smoke which would fade into nothing.

๐Ÿ“. ๐๐Ž๐•๐„๐Œ๐๐„๐‘
๐˜ข.๐˜ฎ. ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ

coffee, bed, and aesthetic image book, girl, and bed image
it's a very weird age because you're a minor on the brink of adulthood and according to our families and teachers, it's time to prepare ourselves for ten years ahead. that's exactly what i did, just not career wise. almost everyday, i found myself imagining a future with angel but wasn't sure if i should consider it true love. that wasn't a feeling i had experienced before but from music, movies, tv shows, novels and plays, there was a rough idea in my mind.

๐Ÿ”. ๐ƒ๐„๐‚๐„๐Œ๐๐„๐‘
๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ด๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต๐˜ด

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every single wednesday, fifty minutes before lunch officially started, i made my way up to the third floor and sat opposite my counsellor who stared at me and would ask questions about my past which resulted in me heavily crying as soon as i got home. there was so much information she didn't know about me and boy, did i want to tell her everything but for most of the time, it was the same conversations about the racism i endured as a child and my thoughts of suicide. if you're wondering, my parents had no idea about what we discussed and still don't because neither of us told them, that's why i stopped attending. what i needed most was her voice to tell them as mine didn't work, so she was useless to me.

๐Ÿ•. ๐‰๐€๐๐”๐€๐‘๐˜
๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜บ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ด๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ง๐˜ต

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when you're sixteen and somebody tells you that they love you, it's very believable. this wasn't the very first time angel told me either and if i'm being honest, it made me anxious how fast he had fallen in love but eventually, the feeling became mutual. whenever i thought about sex or marriage, he would occupy my mind and now i wonder, were those the type of things a teenager should be imagining? it run wild, even to the point we thought of baby names.

๐Ÿ–. ๐…๐„๐๐‘๐”๐€๐‘๐˜
๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ง๐˜ข๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ฌ

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once again, my mental health presented itself so visibly and it began to affect my friends, family and relationship. there were days i couldn't find the motivation to pull myself out of bed, which resulted in lower attendance, i would try to throw up food after consuming it because my body image was sickening, i considered self harming again, just to feel something and turn a blind eye to the numbness. the two months of counselling sessions were also dropped down the drain and surprisingly, she didn't other further help. isn't it weird how nothing can be physically wrong but you still suffer mentally? i became very distant and silent, more than usual, and i found myself to be in a gaping hole i couldn't dig myself out of.

๐Ÿ—. ๐Œ๐€๐‘๐‚๐‡
๐˜ค๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜จ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ญ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ข ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜บ

beige theme, beige, and vintage image archive, beige theme, and beige image
with a promise from my parents that i would see a professional, i slowly returned back to normal because things were going to get better for myself and everyone who had to put up with my breakdowns. unfortunately, that was not the case. on the ninth of that month, a family member of mine, whom i loved dearly, passed away from a health condition she had been diagnosed with not so long prior. then came quarantine ; i was isolated with three grieving people, the house no longer felt like home and the thin thread of hope i held onto was going to snap. death sounded more peaceful than life itself, and change is all i needed to happen. my heart is heavy typing this because although i've managed to find peace and move on, a part of each day is spent missing her.

๐Ÿ๐ŸŽ. ๐€๐๐‘๐ˆ๐‹
๐˜ฃ๐˜ข๐˜ค๐˜ฌ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ข ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ป

90s, OC, and aesthetic image love, couple, and aesthetic image
okay, maybe i deserve absolute hell for constantly thinking about what life would be like with another boy, one i had dated beforehand, but it was extremely hard to get him off my mind, even when i forced myself to remember the reason why i was in a relationship. at a rapid pace, i was becoming uninterested in my actual boyfriend and spent a lot of my free time trying to contact my ex, though nothing came from it. don't get me wrong, i hate the idea of cheating but i one hundred percent would've left angel for him.

๐Ÿ๐Ÿ. ๐Œ๐€๐˜
๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜บ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜บ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ด๐˜ช๐˜ท๐˜ข๐˜ฏ

light, city, and black image city, light, and night image
by now, my relationship with angel had gone down hill completely. it was either we put more effort into what we had left, or break up for good and never look back. being my anxious self and fearing the worst because deep down, i still loved him, i was too afraid to say anything about the conditions we were in despite doing so many times before. dismissing the problem and acting as if everything was fine should be considered a red flag in my opinion, and that's exactly what he did, along with purposely ignoring me countless times.

๐Ÿ๐Ÿ. ๐‰๐”๐๐„
๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ข

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you're almost finished with my year. here's a short story that's long ; i managed to work up the courage to break up with angel and it was the best fucking feeling in the entire world. there were two times that were unsuccessful when ending the relationship because i tend to overthink and hold back what i want to say. well? i'm free, can finally breathe and no longer feel like i'm walking on eggshells. no, it's not possible to detail every single thing that happened in the toxic relationship i was in and just know that i'm to blame as well. from now on, after this article is published, his name will not be heard out of my mouth ; he is a chapter in a book of my life that i hated and never want to read again.

๐Ÿ๐Ÿ‘. ๐‰๐”๐‹๐˜
๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฌ ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ข ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ป

food, drink, and wine image girl, hair, and fashion image
hi, my name is ellie and tomorrow, i will be turning seventeen years young. after a long, rough year, i'm okay now. i just want the stranger reading this to know that i'm not the same girl as three hundred and sixty four days ago, and if i have completely wasted your time, i apologise and you can finally continue browsing. a lot of struggles pave into life when you're sixteen. some of them are mean girls (who i didn't mention because i don't tear anybody down), others are boys who send mixed messages, or maybe it's mental health issues that affect everything you try to do. if you're a teenager stuck with the same problems, i just want you to know that there is a light at the end of your tunnel because i've reached mine, and i thought it didn't exist. just earlier this year, everything about myself, i hated with a strong passion and it pains me til this day to think about how close to suicide i was. look at me now! i found new interests, i focus on positivity, i'm joining an art course and student body at college, i drink white wine and giggle too much when i'm tipsy, i became an activist, especially fighting for my fellow roma, i learned how to cook, i planned the redecoration of my room, i'm sticking to eating healthy foods and have given up most meats, i read more books and write now that i'm no longer distracted, i take forty minute long bubble baths, i jump around my room and sing to whatever is on shuffle, i now have my priorities organized, i'm planning to go to university and most importantly, i'm happy and proud of myself.
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โŒข : โ™ก โคน ใƒ ๏พŸ๐“ฝ๐“ฑ๐“ช๐“ท๐“ด๐“ผ ๐“ฏ๐“ธ๐“ป ๐“ป๐“ฎ๐“ช๐“ญ๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ฐ. i really appreciate your time and wish you the absolute best in life. here's the message, multiple ones in fact ; the situation you're in does get better, but it will take time. hell is the journey, just wait and it will bring you heaven. do not let popularity, hate comments, the desire for a relationship (sigh), toxic people, grades or something other bring you down because it can be fixed. your mental health should be a number one priority and if it's causing trouble, along with other topics, i've listed some helplines below. lastly, do not change for anybody, and i know that sounds clichรฉ or cringe but i'm very serious.

if you haven't been told today, you're a wonderful person and extremely beautiful.

๐ฅ๐จ๐ฏ๐ž, ๐“ฎ๐“ต๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ฎ.

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๐‡๐Ž๐“๐‹๐ˆ๐๐„๐’ !

๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ด๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ด

๐Ÿ. eating disorders awareness and prevention : 1-800-931-2237
๐Ÿ. youthline : 08088010711

๐Ÿ. eating disorders center : 1-888-236-1188
๐Ÿ. orri : 02039186340

๐Ÿ‘. national association of anorexia nervosa and associated disorders : 1-847-831-3438
๐Ÿ‘. sane : 07984967708

๐˜ข๐˜ฃ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ

๐Ÿ. post abortion counseling : 1-800-228-0332
๐Ÿ. lifecharity : 08088025433

๐Ÿ. national abortion federation hotline : 1-800-772-9100
๐Ÿ. mariestopes : 03453008090

๐Ÿ‘. national office of post abortion trauma : 1-800-593-2273
๐Ÿ‘. bpas : 03457304030

๐˜ข๐˜ฃ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ

๐Ÿ. national sexual assault hotline : 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
๐Ÿ. rape crisis : 08088029999

๐Ÿ. stop it now! : 1-888-PREVENT
๐Ÿ. refuge : 08082000247

๐Ÿ‘. child abuse national hotline : 1-800-25ABUSE
๐Ÿ‘. nspcc : 08088005000

๐˜จ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ง / ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ด

๐Ÿ. griefshare : 1-800-395-5755
๐Ÿ. the compassionate friends : 03451232304

๐˜ญ๐˜จ๐˜ฃ๐˜ต๐˜ฒ๐˜ช๐˜ข+

๐Ÿ. helpline : 1-800-398-GAYS
๐Ÿ. lgbt foundation : 01612358035

๐Ÿ. gay and lesbian national hotline : 1-888-843-4564
๐Ÿ. switchboard : 03003300630

๐Ÿ‘. trevor hotline (suicide) : 1-866-4-U-TREVOR
๐Ÿ‘. allsorts : 01273721211

๐˜ข๐˜ฅ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ

๐Ÿ. alcohol treatment referral hotline (24 hours) : 1-800-252-6465
๐Ÿ. drinkline : 03001231110

๐Ÿ. drug abuse national helpline : 1-800-662-4357
๐Ÿ. drugwise : 03001236600

๐Ÿ‘. project know : 1-888-892-1840
๐Ÿ‘. life works : 08082569299

๐Ÿ’. sex addicts anonymous : 1-800-477-8191
๐Ÿ’. sex addicts anonymous (uk) : 07599917686

๐˜ณ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ข๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ๐˜ด

๐Ÿ. national runaway safeline : 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929)
๐Ÿ. missing people : 116 000

๐Ÿ. teenline : 1-888-747-TEEN
๐Ÿ. centrepoint : 08088000661

๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง ๐˜ข๐˜ฃ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ

๐Ÿ. s.a.f.e. (self abuse finally ends) : 1-800-DONT-CUT
๐Ÿ. supportline : 01708765200

๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ

๐Ÿ. suicide hotline : 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
๐Ÿ. samaritans : 116 123

๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ค ๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ค๐˜ฆ

๐Ÿ. national domestic violence hotline : 1-800-799-SAFE
๐Ÿ. safeline : 08088005008

๐Ÿ. rainn : 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
๐Ÿ. victim support : 08081689111