I'm so exhausted with evrythings. There is an empty hole in my chest that i just can't fill. I tried drugs, alcohol, meds, girls. Sleep is a distant concept for me, if i'm very lucky, i can sleep like 5h per night.

I rejected everyone from my life, i feel alone but i can't stop pushing people off, people that i loved and still do, people that cared for me. Right now the worst thing is not that i want to suicide, but is to know that if i do there is a strong probability that it will take more than a week for people to realise what happend

My memory loss problem is back again. I can't remeber people names or how did i get to certain place, and very often i completly loose the control of my mind. I think i'm hitting my self but i'm not sure, there is a lot of marks in my body, yesterday i took my shirt off and saw ton of dried blood on my chest, i have no fucking idea where this came from.