People go on holiday, in the summer, they enjoy, go to the sea, go to night markets, they go in boats or jetski. They watch the sun go down, they are in the salt water, they smile, they feel happy, some leave with their families, others their friends, they are around a fire on the sand, they look at each other, laugh, eat grilled marshmallows, without knowing what tomorrow will be, but it is not important, because they are all together, and tomorrow will inevitably be good for them. They lie on the sand and look at the stars, the waves are heard and it's so soft, the atmosphere is so light, so cool, it might even be hard to believe that all this is real, that this happiness is so immense, we don't want to leave the warm sand, or the starry sky of the eyes, they all fall asleep with a smile on their faces. Because smiling makes perfect sense, when you can enjoy life to the fullest. I also go on vacation sometimes with my family. I also did jetskiing, boating, bathing in the sea, watching the stars on the sand. But I wasn't smiling. At least, inwardly, inwardly I was crying. I was screaming, I wasn't happy, yet it's a vacation, why am I not happy? I do activities that are supposed to make me forget that every other day of the year I want to kill myself. But I can't. So, yes, I too went on vacation, but when I bathed in the sea, I had only one desire: to dive and never rise to the surface. Let it all stop. Let my breathing stop. Now I tell myself that I should have forced myself and loved this holiday, because I would probably never go on vacation again. At least, more family. My mother left with my sister and my family is torn apart. I'm completely picked up too, I'm torn and broken. I'm going to go to the hospital, that's my vacation. The hospital to help me overcome my depression and all the fucking diseases that are in me. Like it's helping me. But when I get out of this hospital, I would always want to die. Last summer, my mother wanted to get closer to me, before going on vacation, she said to me: "I can't wait to travel with you!" - Waste of time. Now she's gone away from me. She traveled without me. I should have drowned that summer. I should have.