Iโ€™ve learnt and reflected a lot this year, in these past months.

I read things that will help the way I think to view the world. I read about the planet and animals that co-exist with us at the same time. I read about heart-felt poems that will keep me going and soften me when Iโ€™m hard on myself. Iโ€™m trying to read the books that Obama, Bill Gates and other people whom I look up recommend. Iโ€™m also really trying to finish so many books in each month. But all I have achieved so far was downloading those e-books.

I write to plan for the things that I should do and tick the boxes. I write what Iโ€™ve learnt from the journals that Iโ€™m interested. I write what I know from online classes about astrology and climate crisis. I write down some cute conversations in French that I have every night with my significant other. No, we donโ€™t speak in French.

I watch movies. No scratch it, I canโ€™t even finish movies these days. FRIENDS for life/every breakfast but luckily Iโ€™ve just finished The Big Bang Theory last month which was really funny and also informative. TOW whatever rossโ€™ highlights are really great episodes to cheer me up.

I listen to my playlist right after I open my eyes in the morning to wake myself up. I listen before I sleep as well. I try to listen some new songs but feel like I canโ€™t just let go of the old ones. I listen to the podcasts when Iโ€™m naked dressing up. I listen to my friendsโ€™ relationships problems and my momโ€™s marriage problems. I talk back too in a way of giving advice and sharing my circumstances too.

I actually enjoy post-shower than during-shower. I sprinkle powder on my back, spray the deodorant, moisturize my face, put oil on my stretch-marks, put lotion on my legs and blow my hair with dryer when I wash my hair. Itโ€™s even better for the days that I decide to wear some cute sweater and comfortable underwear for no literal reason.

I try to eat more vegetables, fruits and drink more coffee with less sugar in it. Iโ€™m happy to cut vegetables and peel the fruits. Besides, Iโ€™m also trying to master at cooking in this quarantine, knowing I suck at it.

Do I work out? โ€œI wish I could but I donโ€™t want to.โ€ Do I yoga? Ehโ€ฆ. I stretch up and down, left and right when I feel like it .That would be all baby.

I walk some mornings but mostly at nights. I know it can be dangerous so I just stopped it for a while. I walk to the places that Iโ€™ve walked with someone I adore. I wish he is by my side and weโ€™d be walking hand in hand, and our sides brushing so close when the wind is too cold.

I play and spend time with cats more than Iโ€™ve ever done. Itโ€™s sweet when a cat knows when I pssh pssh her because she turns around her head every time I do except when sheโ€™s mad at me or sheโ€™s sleeping. Iโ€™ve learned that cats can be really aggressive when theyโ€™re hungry. I try to think they sleep away their loneliness and not actually trying to be mean (even though they can be sometimes). She knows how to do โ€œdownward dogโ€ yoga posture and sometimes she can hop like a bunny with her big butts. Her fur comes in three colors but Iโ€™ll just call her โ€˜snow ballโ€™ because sheโ€™s so thiccc.

Iโ€™ve noticed that cats love to be sung and pet and caressed. Just like humans, they need affection and they are the best examples for being okay to be needy and bitchy at the same time. They only give fucks when they need to and they just roll and lie under the sun whenever they want to. I guess theyโ€™re my unpopular friends that I can have spiritual secretive conversation at 2am.

Iโ€™ve learnt that every kind of love is not supposed to be easy, both the one with yourself and with others. Iโ€™ve learnt that I should love a person without attachments and expectations; that I should love a person with open heart and prepare for the worst โ€œwhat-ifsโ€; that I have to know when I should walk away where I am not valued anymore. This is the way I could respect and put myself first.

I let go the idea of love that I designed and ego of what I want. I try to understand that each person has their own various love languages.

I let go of the illusion that my first love is my destiny. Iโ€™ve loved some and let go of them for so many times for different reasons.

๐’๐จ๐ฆ๐ž๐ก๐จ๐ฐ, ๐ข๐ญโ€™๐ฌ ๐ญ๐ก๐ž ๐ก๐š๐ซ๐๐ž๐ฌ๐ญ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฅ๐ž๐ญ ๐ฌ๐จ๐ฆ๐ž๐จ๐ง๐ž ๐ ๐จ ๐ญ๐ก๐š๐ญ ๐ˆ ๐๐ข๐๐งโ€™๐ญ ๐ž๐ฏ๐ž๐ง ๐ก๐š๐ฏ๐ž ๐š ๐œ๐ก๐š๐ง๐œ๐ž ๐ญ๐จ ๐›๐ž ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก. ๐๐ž๐œ๐š๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ž ๐ˆโ€™๐ฏ๐ž ๐ฅ๐ž๐š๐ซ๐ง๐ญ ๐ญ๐ก๐š๐ญ ๐ง๐จ๐ญ ๐ž๐ฏ๐ž๐ซ๐ฒ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ง๐  ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐Ÿ๐ž๐ž๐ฅ ๐ซ๐ž๐š๐ฅ ๐๐ž๐ž๐ฉ ๐๐จ๐ž๐ฌ๐งโ€™๐ญ ๐š๐ฅ๐ฐ๐š๐ฒ๐ฌ ๐ฆ๐ž๐š๐ง โ€œ๐ข๐ญโ€™๐ฌ ๐ฆ๐ž๐š๐ง๐ญ ๐ญ๐จ ๐›๐ž.โ€

But I believe my last love would be better, more beautiful and less painful. And mine forever.

At the moment I just want to focus on loving someone I have because I donโ€™t want to jinx it anymore. Besides, heโ€™s the most beautiful person that I have in my life right now.