I remember in early elementary school, the librarian invited me to her room every Thursday for lunch, and we would just sit there and write poetry. She saw something in me, and I wish I knew what it was, but I don't, so I suppose I'll have to trust her. So here goes.
I was a decently proud child. I was constantly being told that I was mature and well spoken for my age. Everyone would praise me for this. Turns out I was just depressed, and had gone through trauma. You can't hear me, but I laughed.
There hasn't been a moment in my life where I've not asked myself, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"
I used to make myself so uncomfortable that I would pretend that I didn't do the things that I did.
Recently I came to the realization that my secrets are not typical secrets to have. The other week I was with my friend and my sister, and we drove by this little blue trailer, and I told them that's where my mom left me for hours alone in the car in the middle of the night, as she had an affair with some dude. But it was okay because she bought me a cheeseburger to keep quiet. All in all, 10/10 would do again.
And of course they laughed, because what else are they suppose to do?
I make a lot of jokes about those kinds of things. It's a way of telling people, "Hey, this happened and it was scary, and I remember every second. But its okay, I'm laughing." Which sounds fucked, but I like it.
Things still aren't perfect for me, I struggle immensely. Reading is a drug to me. It gives me everything drugs can. A high, a happy place, a "feel better" effect, except I get to keep my teeth.
I also have a lot of experiences, I have so much to say, and no place to say it. I want to put everything into a book. I want to shine a light on this version of the teenage life, the teenage mind. I want people to be able to go, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" but with acceptance and a smile. The realest, purest, form of the truth that I can give to anybody.
I shared this with you, because I would like this book to be more than just my own experiences. I'm here to listen to whatever you feel the need to say. Whats your teenage experience? What has happened to you? How do you feel day to day?
You can DM me on here if you wish, or my Instagram: payton.kingsbury
I'm not even sure anyone will see this.
I hope your day kicks ass <3