i ache when i see you smile.

i want it to be directed towards me. for me. because of me. i want to bring you joy; be the source of those lit eyes and dimpled cheeks. i watch you bring so much happiness to those around you. i want to feel the warmth you give out to those around you.

i ache when i watch you.

sometimes it becomes a source of guilt. if I have no place in your life, why do i keep following you like this? why do i always try to find you in a sea of people, even if i know you're not there? if you noticed, i'm scared what you’d think of me. every time i try to ignore you, you appear in the corner of my eye, like an eyelash. every time we look into each other's eyes for a split second, i feel like time stops. i feel like the world becomes a blur and all i can see and feel is your glance.

i ache when i long to be next to you.

i want to be there with you. i write late into the night because of how much I do. i want to hold your hand. to embrace you. to dry your tears. to lay on your shoulder. to kiss you. to tell you everything will be okay. yet here i sit typing without aim, pouring my feelings out through a screen. to develop an unattainable desire for you wasn’t wise. i knew it when I started. but i kept moving. i kept hoping. how many years has it been?

the ache won't fade.

but i still want you.