The secret I would like to share with you

The reason I keep running after you, keep calling and sending the same message over and over, is much more complicated than what I just miss. Yes, I miss you every cell of my essence. And this is more valuable than communication.
The truth is, contacting you is pure self-torture. This is an ongoing pain that I have been forced to feel from the very day when my world collapsed, and I would have lied if I said that I was not dependent on these feelings.

Your silence reminds me of the pain that I feel from the very moment you left. Reminds me of devastating chest pain and quietly shame for my hopeless naivety.

And your answer is the most sophisticated torture. Your simple answer shows that our parting is not important for you. You spend your day without even noticing how much has changed. It reminds me that you accepted me into your life, but you will never be for me what you once were. Reminds me that from now on I will seek out the details of your life in the photographs on your wall, but I will never be the first person to whom you will tell. I can never again feel how your eyes look into mine, saying everything that we never dare to utter.

And now, when everything has changed so much, it reminds me of all the reasons why my heart chose you. As you can see, I enjoy reveling in suffering and loneliness.

And most of all I feel loneliness when I reach for you.