I was so in love with the idea of finding someone to love, that I forgot to love myself.
I don't even know where to begin to be honest.
Some days I feel so lost, so not myself. And a wave of sadness drowns me every single time.
I can blame my anxiety for all of this but I also know that I'm not a perfect human being.

Wish I could get a second chance at life. But I don't have it. Nobody will miss me anyway.
My brain is a very sick place, not even the strongest medicine could cure it.

Wish I could say some things I left unsaid and done a few things I was too afraid to do.
People say "you have a long life ahead of you, you still have time". But what if I actually don't?
What if I stop breathing or my heart stops beating...

It's okay, it's fine. I always drive like it's my last time. And tell my parents I love them so they don't think I don't. And take care of my plants like it's the last time I'm going to see them grow.
And I take in every single sunset. Cause I don't know if I'm going to see the it next day.

I miss the ocean, I miss a lot of things to be honest. People say I have to wait, but what if I don't want to? Cause I've been patient all these years.

I push people away so they don't have to deal with my bullshit, to deal with me above anything else. So I leave before I get left. My heart is broken and nobody can get it fixed, pieces of it are all over the place. I'm such a huge mess.

What am I doing here? What's the purpose of my existence? Too many questions for no answers at all. Maybe because they don't exist yet or perhaps silence is an actual answer, the one I need to listen more.

I'm sorry, I truly am. For being me, being myself. And if I go away, let me... Let me go. It's nobody job to save me, cause I honestly don't wanna save myself. I hope you understand.


JudithTR