I was never one for large gatherings; large gatherings were never one for someone like me. Sometimes though, in the spur of the moment, you want to take those imaginary wings of yours and step out of that comfort zone you're sunken into and get out to a big gathering with your friends. While you're there, you enjoy yourself and you say "Hey.. this isn't so bad..." and then - it hits you like a truck and you're the deer in it's headlights.

The thing about social anxiety is that it sneaks up on you from out of nowhere. The comfort turns to panic, you magically notice every little movement, every whisper, every eye glance, all of it. These bright auras around you all of a sudden turn to a shade of grey the minute you step into it. The worst part of it all? The voices start to come back....

"You actually thought these people liked you?"
"They're saying shit about you."
"They don't want you here."
"Just leave."
"Go back to your OWN world."
"Who even invited you?? Why???"

The voices come into your head and the wings you thought you had sink you down to your deepest trench of fears and lost hope. It's amazing really - you stand in a room full of people that could potentially change your life... but you pick up on those small things.

I think my biggest obstacle in life is that I truly want to spread my wings and fly into unfamiliar territory - get my confidence up, learn about myself.. But fear is my
greatest enemy. Controlling it is impossible.

I don't have wings. I don't think I'll ever be able to grow them. My only social circle is me, myself, and I -

and I cannot accept that.