I feel like I lied
and I'm still lying to you…
about who I am.

I'm not what I make myself up to be.
I guess I try to be real in some aspects
but maybe that's a facade too.

Like showing you what my natural hair process is,
wearing my bonnet,
dressing down.

It's all because I want what everyone else talks about,
what they post,
what they portray.

Their BWWM relationship goals.

I know portrayal is just that... portrayal,
you never know the real story behind the relationship
or the arguments behind the scenes,

whether the love is really there,
if they're just like me
wanting what someone else has.

But I can't do that to you, Bunny.
I can't want you to be someone you're not.

I can't expect you to act like Charles,
the guy who learned everything about 4c hair
just so he can do his girlfriend's hair for her,
give her tips on length retention.

I can't expect you to act like William,
the guy that goes above and beyond with the whole, "
Rise and shine, my Nubian Queen
take the world by storm like the strong black woman you are, etc".

I can't expect any of this from you
get mad when you don't do any of it...
because I know that isn't you.

You're just, Bunny.

And I don't know why but just writing that makes me happy.

You're just Bunny.
Bunny, my beautiful smile.
Bunny, my heart-stopping laugh.
Bunny, my tears of joy and sadness.
Bunny, my deep, body-melting, soul-searching eyes.
Bunny, my intoxicating scent.
Bunny, my concerned boyfriend.
Bunny, my love.

Bunny, you are so much that I can't even think about a William or Charles. You're so… you're so Bunny.

I know you don't know and can't feel it the way I do but,
just your name alone says a thousand unspoken words of love
sings a thousand ballads of what a young lady can feel for a young man.

It gives me that crumb of serotonin that I always talk about,
if not a whole slice of bread.
It sends a literal warmth to my heart.

All of this happens even when I want to be mad at you,
ignore you, push you away, stubborn…
all because of my pride.

That's who I am, Bunny.
I'm my pride.

Everytime I won't talk,
say it's fine,
say goodbye first,
it's my pride.

I'm mean,
but of course you already know that.

I'm not always selfless,
I'm not always considerate.

I don't want you to leave me,
I get mad when you talk with your friends
and I never thought I would be that person.

I don't want to be that person.
I want you to enjoy yourself and talk to whoever you want,
I don't know why I'm like this
but I'm not using it as an excuse.

I feel like I'm hurting myself when I do these things to you.
I'm fully aware but I can't stop and just put it away.

I can't just drop it and let it go.
I can't let things be whenever they start getting bad.

I push it too far until you get upset
then I have to apologize.

I can't let them go…
and I feel like sooner or later it'll be the death of us.

I don't want that.

I want to change this,
I want to stop holding it in,
pushing you away,
choking up,
blowing up,
bursting out...

I want to stop me.

What do I do?

Can I be honest, Part One
Thursday, February 27, 2020 9:31 a.m.