"Expendable: /ɪkˈspɛndəb(ə)l, ɛkˈspɛndəb(ə)l/ |adjective| of relatively little significance, and therefore able to be abandoned or destroyed".

Hey guys! How are you guys feeling? A lot has been going on since I last wrote an article, not only personally but also globally as well. I have finished my first year of uni now since rona likes to ruin everything, so I wanted to give you guys a little reflection of my journey focusing on friendship, not the uni experience as a whole. If I remember correctly, I last told you about how my experience was developing at university. How uni was the beginning of my independence as a growing adult and how my interpersonal relationships (friends) were having a positive impact on me, since I entered my first year of university with some fears of not making long-lasting relationships. I wish this was not true, but my insticts have proven me right all along.

My first year of uni couldn't have started better: I joined the Spanish society, the Afro-Caribbean society, made some friends in my course, in my accomodation, through friends in common and I made friends in a Christian society later on. I had enough security to be able to affirm that "I made friends", but how many could I actually confirm that they are "playing" the part?= 0. A big lesson I learned at university is that you can always be an acquaintance to someone but it is very difficult to actually CLICK with someone. Very very difficult.

I would say that my personality is a very easy one and I am mainly independent. I can be shy and almost quiet sometimes, but if I feel like we click I completely open up my funny personality. But I still fail to understand or even catch what it is about me that doesn't know how to click with someone. Click as in, becoming so close to someone that I could almost be essential in their lives to them, just like I consider them to be as well. To have plain trust in a person and notice when I am not there. I guess I sadly do not have that impact on people.

In all groups of friendships that I have mentioned above, I feel like I have been expendable in ALL of them because I haven't clicked with them to the point where they make sure they count me in for group plans, share inside jokes with me, tell me their worries, happinness and gossips, ask me for advice, listen to music together, speak almost everyday, check up on each other, meet in each other's accomodations just to talk about life in general, FaceTime, go to parties together, or even walk through campus or going to do the weekly shopping together... basically having a best friend or a group of best friends. A group or a person that believes that without me, going to places or hanging out wouldn't be the same, or that everyone says "I never see them apart". Sadly first year hasn't been like that. My expectations were high af. I'll now narrate some episodes that lead me to that conclusion.

When I joined the Spanish society at the beginning of term, it was like a dream come true because I really wanted to reunite with Spanish people and begin to speak my language again after a long time. Everyone was so welcoming and I found someone that was from the same city as me, so we began being friends. She would invite me to almost every meeting with her other friends and we were almost like a squad. I always felt like it was the right group for me, but weeks would pass on and I still didn't feel like we were "clicking" the right way and I noticed that I was way too quiet, "the quiet girl", but I still continued to consider them as my friends. I never felt close to any one of them until some videos on Instagram of them hanging out and having fun without me around Christmas time made me know, instead of "feel", like I wasn't actually close to anyone. I once asked one of them for answers and she blocked me from seeing her story. They even added two new friends to the group. So I distanced myself and left.

I never met enough people from my course, although I have cordial relationships with some of them. With the main friends I made from the course, same story. Started off really good then they stopped calling me to do things with them and leaving me out of things. Now they are moving in together in a separate house without me :) we still talk though.

After I left the Spanish little squad I was in, I started joining people from the same culture as me and also the Christian society. To be honest, it was very comforting to know that they would still accept me back even though I kinda abandoned them at the beginning of term because I was always with the Spanish people. However, they were already very close and I realised that I missed out on many things. So in that way, I still feel like I am expendable in the sense that they don't CARE whether I am there or not.

That is what hurts the most. The not caring.

I know it sounds a bit childish, but having at least the knowledge that there could be people that actually care about you and would never leave you out of things is a very reassuring feeling but also a very distant dream for me. My purpose of going to university isn't to make friends, I know. But it would be nice wouldn't it? I don't feel like I was hated in those friendships, I feel like I didn't make myself important enough for people to consider me an essential friend in uni. So my advice is, be as friendly as possible and open up ASAP. Is an advantage to also make friends from early, because I actually regret sticking with just one friendship group A WHOLE TERM. By the time you want to switch, it's a bit late because you have to meet people all over again and you might even miss out in some shared experiences within that group. Rona hasn't allowed me to hang out more with them but I hope second year is better :)

Thank you for reading if you got here, I love you all x

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